Adjusting with demantia.

Hi there. Long time no see 😁🌹 I have been busy as the above shows. I’m learning from Mark Kistler’s video’s to properly draw. It makes me happy. I still do the jewelry as well.

That is from the dearest ever Heather Boyd Wire. I so love her stuff.

Something I’m really working on, is to shut up when someone becomes fedup with my repetitive questions. I was doing something the other day and I asked my eldest, Lora 30 times in a row what the date was. She actually handled it well. The tyre only bursted a bit later that night when she were tired. I’m getting a new watch,😁.

I think slowly but surely we are finally adapting to mum’s decreasing brain abilities.

Something weird is happening. I could never do simple sums … Never ever could I literally do 3 + 2= 5. I had to count on my fingers.. now I see the sum in my head and whoops there is your answer, but I cannot count. I cannot do metacognitive or where you just start somewhere and count or backwards. I can’t see it, or figure it out. When I work on a chart with figures, I can still see patterns. That’s the weirdest thing.

My jewelry and drawing and working still with a few kids grade 1 & 2 (about 4) doing their homework is keep my brain active. I notice when a petal fell off my rose, but that’s ok. I’m happy.

I had my birthday on the 10th of march and all I wanted was a margarine tub full of candy.

Guess what, I got it. I was so happy. Sometimes it feels like I’m becoming a child again, but a happy one. My bipolar is behaving for a change. That’s a miracle in itself.

I fell about 2 days ago, something I do a lot lately. Geez my knees and hip and everything is so painful, specially at night. Somehow my left foot does not lift so  well anymore. Don’t know why… My guess tiny stroke again sometime or another. I need new and more appropriate shoes, I think. Shoes also need to have something else than laces, to make it easier to put on. Bending over can make you dizzy and also make you fall. So sensible shoes it is over fashion. If you get sensible and fashionable… Jackpot. I think pants over dresses might work better, a dress over your head can be so undignified. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

One thing that also keeps me going apart from the Lord Jesus, is my Dementia Mentors friends. I love them all so much and I know they love me too. I can’t zoom that much anymore, but when I jump in and quickly have a chat it is so wonderful.

I miss my deceased brother so very much. It feels like something has been torn off of me.

Really got to say goodbye now. God bless and talk again.

Saro (Elmarie)

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I started this blog some time ago and noow decided to post it. Please visit the blog I refed to.

Stigma has so many faces.

I will try to blog again soon.

Love and kindness

Saro (Elmarie)

5 things that I liked today.

Sheesshhhh this thing updated again and I will have to figure stuff out again…. will have to go without the rose today, but here goes:

1. My friend of many years from my game Dawn of Titans visited my blog…. hi Matgear 😁 It really made me happy. I’ve been neglecting my game lately and he promised to spam comment my blog unless I up my game. I did go in and stole or cap a few lands from Hugsforfree alliance.

2. Putting up the extra chicken coop was much easier today.

3. Again my dog Boelie. The two of us was sitting quite peaceful, when he jumped up and ran to the back door and gave crying sounds. I jumped up immediately and saw it was the neighbour’s dog pressing his nose hungrily against the chicken coop. I opened the door for him and like Flash and Superman combined, he stormed out and took care of the villian. Then he came back and peed on the two bunny cages and where the chickens was…. whatch out you villian, this is my territory and family. Mommies guard dog. Huge Bullmastife.

4. I finally made that oven baked veggies. It was jummy.

5. My husband send me a funny video of a woman starting her husband up like a Lister engine to mop the floor. My husband always always says he is going to start me up like a Lister engine when I’m lethargic. It is our private joke… can’t believe when he found it on facebook.

I did it. 5 things positive….. go try it, it works.

Much love and kindness

Saro

5 Positive things.

This is difficult today…

1. I love how my dog looks at me. He has the softest loving eyes. He makes me feel safe.

2. Woodsie our not pure bred Sylky chicken laid an egg 2 days in a row. Yesterday we heard the 4 chickens making a terrible noise. Everyone stormed out, thinking th neighbours dog is playing peeping Tom again. Nope they all stood in a circle being happy about the egg that Woodsie laid in the middle of the chicken coop.

I found another one when I went to feed them just now. It is quite a picture to see how they all looked at the egg… It was still warm. It is one cock named Becky (he has a deformed beak and is a beautiful buff Orpington) then he has 3 wifes. Kleintjie and Daisy, black Pekins and then the famous Woodsie.

I wonder if they want some offspring, since Becky is regularly doing his duty. That in itself is something to behold. The hens disappear under him, when he is doing his thing and after a big noise you just see this tiny black hen running away from underneath him. Okay, I think I just did the unmentionable and discussed our chickens sex life online… Really?

3. I love my eldest daughter’s gold coloured hair. It is so beautiful and she herself is so beautiful inside and out.

4. We got awesome gifts from one of our aftercare kid’s mothers.

5. God is good, all the time. I love my friend Asanda Kwenena, she is saying this everytime I see her and she gives me hugs and tells me she loves me. Her beautiful kids Vuvu and Olo is also in my aftercare.

Okay, see it wasn’t that difficult. Sometimes we just need to take our hand off of our face, so that we don’t just see the missery in life.

But anyway, much love and kindness.

Saro (Elmarie)

5 Positive things.

1. I found this comfort in the bible.

For this reason we never become discouraged. Even though our physical being is gradually decaying, yet our spiritual being is renewed day after day. And this small and temporary trouble we suffer will bring us a tremendous and eternal glory, much greater than the trouble. For we fix our attention, not on things that are seen, but on things that are unseen. What can be seen lasts only for a time, but what cannot be seen lasts for ever.
2 Corinthians 4:16‭-‬18 GNB
https://bible.com/bible/296/2co.4.16-18.GNB

2. The smell of the food my kids are preparing is awesome.

3. I really enjoyed the sun on me and the beauty around me while hanging the washing outside. We live on a farm.

4. First day of holiday, I don’t have to rush.

5. I’m really grateful that I’m healthy in spite of the dementia.

Now your turn😁🌹

Much love and kindness.

Saro (Elmarie)

4.

Funny… where???

Hmmmm this being brutally honest can become a bit ouch. Talked to a friend yesterday, that said that she don’t want to talk about sad things all the time. She want to have fun and laugh. It was the first time we talked one on one, usually we are part of a group chat.

I think I lost my funny somewhere, or didn’t. I’m so intense busy with dementia and dying and such stuff, that I forgot funny. I forgot to live and enjoy stuff. It is as if my mouth is saying one thing, but my heart and head are on another chapter. How to get out? How do I find my funny again. I used to be the funniest person ever and could find humor in everything.

Or what if I am having fun here and there and forgot about it? Twice now someone told me that I said something and I have absolutely no recollection of it. It is just not there.

How do I stop being scared and accept or get used to the inevitable. My grandma had vascular dementia. But I was not much there to see or experience it. My aunt, bless her beautiful soul, took care of her.

Sometimes it feels as if it is I, me and myself. I have never been a selfish person or an I, me and myself person. What stages does a person goes through when they get their diagnosis. No matter what illness. “Sorry dear, go get your stuff in order. You are going to forget your family and everyone and then you are going to die. Yes sorry dear, but Vascular dementia is terminal”

Just went to the bathroom and had an epiphany…. sometimes I get the best ideas there. Sorry if it is too much information. My head really are screwed. With the bipolar, I desperately want to take my own life and die and with the Vascular dementia I am going to die and don’t want to die. Geezzzzz how does that sound… you should see my face now… wanted to write: as if I smelled a fart…. but, oh well there goes.

This blog writing thing does something for a person. It actually helps me think and see things for how it is or not. I really hope that this musings of me help some caregiver to understand or another person with some sort of dementia to understand that they are not alone.

Got to go to bed now. Meds are almost kicking in.

Much love and kindness

Saro (Elmarie)

Missing time.

I decided to blog on my phone as well, as the things I want to say dissappear.

One thing lately, is that time dissappear. I don’t know where it goes. Also someone will tell me something or my family is talking, it is as if the first part of the sentence dissappear. I continually have to ask to start from the beginning again.

The other thing is, it feels sometimes if there is someone else in me… No I don’t have that multiple personality thingy. Sometimes it feels as if I expect too much from my family to handle this vascular dementia. It feels as if I just want to curl up inside of me and die, so that none of us have to go through a prolonged suffering on both sides. (no I’m not suicidal)

Thing is, it is not that we expect everyone to be at our back and call. It is the disease that causes an inability and even not knowing about stuff.

We will always love our families and caregivers, we will always be grateful. Sometimes it might not be evident, but it is there on the inside of us. We lose our abilities, not ourselves.

My family I know will always love me and take care of me and whatever I can do for them, I will. I have read posts of caregivers that said how they hate those they take care of and wish they die… That is horrible, but I believe those caregivers were rotten even before. It is fine to vent and my eldest daughter also blog to vent, it is heart breaking, but I’m glad to be able to know how she feels and she is never nasty.

If a way can be found how caregiver and LO can work together all will be well I believe. There are cases I read about where the LO becomes a danger, but they can be taken care of… Don’t know about that stuff. There are many videos to be watched, for instance from Teepa Snow and Jennifer Bute and Dementia Mentors etc.

Got to go, much love and kindness.

Saro (Elmarie)

Vascular dementia and communication challenges.

It is my intention with this blog to be brutally honest. It concerns my feelings, happenings etc. Some of my perceptions is not necessarily the truth, but it is how it feels to me. Fear of the unknown is absolutely devastating.

I had a very traumatic experience the other day, had to go for a colonoscopy. In the first place they had to puncture me 8 times to get a vein. Not the doctor’s fault I think, but what was terrible, was that I was most of the time not sedated. It was painful and just terrible. My confusion etc. increased after that, as is my memory and my sense of date, day, time and year is gone. I keep on getting it wrong and when I try to figure it out, it is as if there is just this big black hole.

My brother and his beautiful wife, whom I will meet really for the first time, the other time was with my mother’s funeral. I am so happy they are coming for a visit, but on the other side, it freaks met out. In the past I could say:”Ok, this and that and ten other things is what needs to be done, etc.” Now I cannot think of one thing to make for dinner, where are they going to sleep… It is just one big irrational fear inside of me. I feel out of control. I don’t have control over anything anymore… It scares me… (Note to self… (geez girl, you been such a control freak?)

Sometimes it feels so lonely, even though I have my family with me. They love me to kingdom and back. I find it increasingly difficult to communicate. To have a conversation and also I think people don’t want to hear about dementia all the time. I can talk about God… recite the bible. Talk about history, European, Egyptian or Russian or Vikings, lots of things, but then not many people go past recipes, gossip, their kids and sport. So by the way, I’m so happy the Springbucks won the rugby world cup. I never watch sport, but that I watched and I remembered the two other times we won. It is as if there is this barrier or nothingness when I try to tell or communicate something to someone else. The other thing is the words. Everyday sayings, hello how are you, fine thank you, hows the kids… no problem, but try to use or remember bigger words or have a conversation…. That kite just don’t fly anymore. Then when people see you… Oh wonderful, you look so good. O yeah I’m fine thanks dear… who the hell is this female……????

I am amazed that I can still write like this… hope it is not too bad. I forget to write my blog. I forgot to play my online game Dawn of Titans for a week… goodness, I’m suppose to be addicted to it. I will continue to write and I hope it will be for years.

Anyways, got to go.

Much love and kindness.

Saro (Elmarie)