Funny… where???

Hmmmm this being brutally honest can become a bit ouch. Talked to a friend yesterday, that said that she don’t want to talk about sad things all the time. She want to have fun and laugh. It was the first time we talked one on one, usually we are part of a group chat.

I think I lost my funny somewhere, or didn’t. I’m so intense busy with dementia and dying and such stuff, that I forgot funny. I forgot to live and enjoy stuff. It is as if my mouth is saying one thing, but my heart and head are on another chapter. How to get out? How do I find my funny again. I used to be the funniest person ever and could find humor in everything.

Or what if I am having fun here and there and forgot about it? Twice now someone told me that I said something and I have absolutely no recollection of it. It is just not there.

How do I stop being scared and accept or get used to the inevitable. My grandma had vascular dementia. But I was not much there to see or experience it. My aunt, bless her beautiful soul, took care of her.

Sometimes it feels as if it is I, me and myself. I have never been a selfish person or an I, me and myself person. What stages does a person goes through when they get their diagnosis. No matter what illness. “Sorry dear, go get your stuff in order. You are going to forget your family and everyone and then you are going to die. Yes sorry dear, but Vascular dementia is terminal”

Just went to the bathroom and had an epiphany…. sometimes I get the best ideas there. Sorry if it is too much information. My head really are screwed. With the bipolar, I desperately want to take my own life and die and with the Vascular dementia I am going to die and don’t want to die. Geezzzzz how does that sound… you should see my face now… wanted to write: as if I smelled a fart…. but, oh well there goes.

This blog writing thing does something for a person. It actually helps me think and see things for how it is or not. I really hope that this musings of me help some caregiver to understand or another person with some sort of dementia to understand that they are not alone.

Got to go to bed now. Meds are almost kicking in.

Much love and kindness

Saro (Elmarie)

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