About suicide.

I have been thinking about suicide a lot. Some people reckon people that say they want to commit suicide or try, are just attention seekers or even worse cowards. That is not true. Anyone of that opinion has never been in that person’s shoes, circumstances or had a chemical something going wrong in the brain. Have never heard of bipolar.

When you are depressed, you just simply see no future or way out of some situation. That is the one type of depression and it very often end in a successful suicide.

Then the bipolar or chemical problem in your brain… it is like a darkness pushing over your brain. You cannot think of anything else but to be dead. You make plans. Do research on how to commit a successful suicide. You become obsessed with it.

You cannot talk about it, because suicide or your depressed chatter, just isn’t popular and no one wants to listen or gets uneasy  during any conversation about it. 

THING IS THIS. IF YOU COMMIT SUICIDE,  YOU LEAVE YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY WITH LIFELONG GRIEVE, FEELING GUILTY, NOT THAT IT WILL BE THEIR FAULT. YOU MIGHT GET YOUR WISH AND DIE, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SORROW OF THOSE THAT LOVE YOU AND CARE FOR YOU, YOU LEAVE BEHIND? GO AND SEE A DOCTOR,  TAKE YOUR MEDICATION. GET HELP IF YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES.  IF YOU TAKE MEDICATION, PLEASE DON’T STOP TAKING IT. 

As I said, this is a difficult thing to talk about. I do apologize to those I might have traumatized or made uneasy about me talking about suicide.

Here is help, please make use of it. https://www.therapyroute.com/article/suicide-hotlines-and-crisis-lines-in-south-africa

I just had a heart to heart chat with you and me. Please you matter and are precious.

The morning after.

I woke up this morning feeling as if I have a hangover, if I remember correctly. Last drink I had was in 1994. My liver just could not cope with all the medication and alcohol at the same time.

I can’t think… my head feels like a sement brick. Not even marbles rolling around. I can’t look anyone in the eyes, being ashamed because I cried last night and am crying again now.

I still battle to get over being told that I’m so much loved that she wipes my SHIT and PIS. That sounds like swear words.  What about saying helping when you have to change your diaper. Is there anyone that understands how demeaning it is to wear diapers at 58?

I try to make it easy for myself to tell a friend or 2 about the diapers…. and now the whole world knows, so that it just not become one big black shameful secret.

What should I do if I feel insulted or wronged because I understood incorrectly? What am I to do when I say or do something wrong because I didn’t understood or thought wrongly? What if I say wrong words because I don’t have other and then I forgot I said so.

I can’t reason anymore, or plan and lots of things. I write with great difficulty because of hand tremors, but I can draw and paint, how that works, I have no idea. I suppose it must be like people that had a stroke and can’t talk anymore, but they can sing beautifully. Maybe different parts of the brain.

I just simply do not want to live anymore period.

I hate dementia!

It is demeaning, shameful, devastating and just bloody awful.

I don’t understand jokes or so many things said to me. I’m still on one topic then they are on another.

I can’t stop crying. What the hell am I to do? I feel like a bloody idiot. Then the other people eventually does not know how to treat you or how to speak to you. This is the proverbial WTF situation. How do you handle these things?

I don’t know. If I get depressed… it is never a good topic. You can see something is wrong, but you simply are not being told what is wrong. I’m still a mother and wife and a sister.

It’s my bloody brain that is dying off, everyone else has a good brain, so how can they not find a way to handle and talk to me so that it makes my life also better. I understand their lives are also disrupted and f up, but I did not ask or bloody deserve it.

Everyone has problems. They can go see a doctor, get medication and be fixed, but obviously sometimes people are better than other and refuse any help from people they deem not good enough.

Life is not fair. It never was and never will be. I love my family beyond anything else and always will. May God give that this dementia will end fast and spare me all the other things yet to come.

Adjusting with demantia.

Hi there. Long time no see 😁🌹 I have been busy as the above shows. I’m learning from Mark Kistler’s video’s to properly draw. It makes me happy. I still do the jewelry as well.

That is from the dearest ever Heather Boyd Wire. I so love her stuff.

Something I’m really working on, is to shut up when someone becomes fedup with my repetitive questions. I was doing something the other day and I asked my eldest, Lora 30 times in a row what the date was. She actually handled it well. The tyre only bursted a bit later that night when she were tired. I’m getting a new watch,😁.

I think slowly but surely we are finally adapting to mum’s decreasing brain abilities.

Something weird is happening. I could never do simple sums … Never ever could I literally do 3 + 2= 5. I had to count on my fingers.. now I see the sum in my head and whoops there is your answer, but I cannot count. I cannot do metacognitive or where you just start somewhere and count or backwards. I can’t see it, or figure it out. When I work on a chart with figures, I can still see patterns. That’s the weirdest thing.

My jewelry and drawing and working still with a few kids grade 1 & 2 (about 4) doing their homework is keep my brain active. I notice when a petal fell off my rose, but that’s ok. I’m happy.

I had my birthday on the 10th of march and all I wanted was a margarine tub full of candy.

Guess what, I got it. I was so happy. Sometimes it feels like I’m becoming a child again, but a happy one. My bipolar is behaving for a change. That’s a miracle in itself.

I fell about 2 days ago, something I do a lot lately. Geez my knees and hip and everything is so painful, specially at night. Somehow my left foot does not lift so  well anymore. Don’t know why… My guess tiny stroke again sometime or another. I need new and more appropriate shoes, I think. Shoes also need to have something else than laces, to make it easier to put on. Bending over can make you dizzy and also make you fall. So sensible shoes it is over fashion. If you get sensible and fashionable… Jackpot. I think pants over dresses might work better, a dress over your head can be so undignified. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

One thing that also keeps me going apart from the Lord Jesus, is my Dementia Mentors friends. I love them all so much and I know they love me too. I can’t zoom that much anymore, but when I jump in and quickly have a chat it is so wonderful.

I miss my deceased brother so very much. It feels like something has been torn off of me.

Really got to say goodbye now. God bless and talk again.

Saro (Elmarie)

Another perspective on my life with dementia and 2020.

2020 Wasn’t just bad, come to think of it. This year was the healthiest I’ve been in years. One minor cold in January, blood pressure meds had to be increased and a tummy bug.

Well for one thing we saw no one. Worn masks, sanitized… no germs.

One good thing, I taught myself making wire jewelry and just started watercolor painting… So learn new skills. All my life I wanted to be creative, but never had the time… now I can do it, and I think I’m quite successful

Makes me happy. I now just must sell it.

Anyway, I hope this was a bit more positive than my latest posts.

Toodles

Saro (Elmarie)

Do people care enough?

I don’t know whether I should start venting or explaining a few things about dementia. Well choice is easy. I stopped smoking this month exactly 1 year ago. The point of stopping was to hopefully have a longer meaningful and capable life. Well, it did me no good. My husband insists to continue smoking even though he had a good chance to stop in the lockdown, because there was supposed to be a ban on the cigarettes.

Nope, he just sticked to “I smoked from even before I met you. It is my house, I will do as I wish.” Isn’t it my house as well… where am I to go? I am dependent on him. He can smoke outside, but refuse. He does not care if I die. Vascular dementia is because the veins shrink and my brain does not get enough oxygen and the cells die. If your brain die… you die… it is the command centre of your body, even your heart cannot beat without your brain give it instructions. Smoking and second hand smoking is absolutely a very effective way to speed up the dementia process. So question here is… does he still love me? Does he still love my kids, that is also still dependent on him, although they contribute to the house etc.

With the lockdown, we lost the income of the Aftercare centre and every other way that we managed to make money, so my daughters lost their Medical Aids. When someone smoke, they actually get sick. Hey fewer, sinus and can’t breath. So I can go on.

So please, don’t smoke in the room or presence of your loved one.

Got to say bye

Saro (Elmarie)

Jesus the light in our darkness.

Three years ago absolute darkness enveloped me. It felt like I could not see in this darkness, could not see any further future. Curled up in my corner and just felt that I’m going and want to die. I felt so alone. I couldn’t speak to anyone, because up to 2 years ago I had no idea what is wrong with me. I withdrew from the community and all the things I used to partake in etc. I cried nonstop for 2 years. First for a year because I knew something was wrong and unable to put it into speech then I felt relieved after my diagnosis to find out what was wrong with me, two years ago and then I mourned what happened to me.

I felt so out of control. When I tried to read the bible or pray, all I could do was cry and cry and cry.

Then I found this:

You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;
    my God turns my darkness into light.
29 With your help I can advance against a troop[e];
    with my God I scale a wall.

30 As for God, his way is perfect:
    The Lord’s word is flawless;
    he shields all who take refuge in him.

Psalm 18: 28 – 30

I still cry, but it is a symptom of the vascular dementia and not all the time. Jesus is my Prince of Peace, the Love of my life, the Light in my darkness. I could get up, given some days is still dark and very difficult, but are much less now. God is alive

The truth about seeing.

This is me, Elmarie (Saro) 55 years old.
This is also me. Age 56
Also me age 57

Why do I post pictures of myself… DO I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE THAT HAS DEMENTIA?

NO!!!! In my opinion  I don’t look like there is anything wrong with me, a bit less makeup, but still it’s not written on my face. I walk with difficulty, but my left knee needs replacement, and what they don’t realise, is that my balance is getting worse by the day.

The way it looks to me, is that my family and whomever  else is looking at me sitting in my chair either don’t,  know, don’t  realize or whatever. I try my best… ever heard of “pretend”, “faking” to make it look like NOTHING is wrong.

When I must go and do something,  say for example cook. I can’t move. In the first place what do I make? Then with what do I start first? Then I forget I was supposed to go and prepare food. Then my husband will start nagging again he is hungry. Cycle starts again. Finaly I get up and try my very best, but the tug-of-war between remember, forget and the most horrifying anxiety paralyse me. I can’t work out a plan, reason as to what to do. I’m forever SO INCREDIBLY SCARED I MAKE MISTAKES. I’m most of the time scared. People may ask, why scared… there are nothing to be scared of… YOU ARE NOT IN MY SHOES OR HAVE MY HEAD. Let’s give it the proper name. Disability…. there it is disability!

I don’t know if this post makes sense, but that’s what it is. Most probably if my family is going to read it I will be asked if I want to go to the old age home, to the psychiatrist or doctor… that scares the shit out of me.

My family keep on being irritated and disappointed… that is how I see it and experience it, when I keep on asking the same questions, forgetting the same things. If I’m depressed and say I wish I was dead, they see it as me throwing them the suicide card or whatever. What they don’t  know or realize is that I really want too. I am trying to be responsible and remember I can’t just up and out.

I FEEL SO LONELY, DESPERATE NOT KNOWING WAT TO DO.

Saro (Elmarie)

End of year… balistic!

Credit ActionVance

This is my head, mood, emotions and and and and!!!! This is no new news to any person… human being on planet earth, except for those idiots that recon COVID 19  is some sort of alien conspiracy and putting the rest of planet earth’s population in danger of dying and dying themselves by the loads full.

I’m tired and angry. I had enough. What else can I add that starts with “I”.

I’m tired of being scared, lonely, frustrated, desperate and plain angry. How could a whole year be so horrific? 2020 is…. I lack the propper words for a suitable comparison.

I think I have just repeated myself more in a few sentences than in my entire blog.

The masks is choking a person.  If you have a wet sneeze it’s snot all over your face and particularly bad if you wear one of those see threw plastic masks that covers your entire face… I leave that to your imagination. Next one a burp after a particular garlicky meal and someone said if you smoke, it can become really stuffy.

Another thing about masks, I battle to recognize people or properly understand them if voices are so muffled. You cannot see if someone smile. The world turned into one huge unfriendly place.

You can zoom and socialise like that, but that is no real touch and a presence that only two or more bodies can create in a room.

Everything changed. Well you can say “new normal” until you are blue in the face, I can’t even figure out my phone when it updates, so how do I do “new normal” when the dementia is already doing a daily “new normal” number on me. How the F do I handle this?

I feel unable to move from my chair and do the things I like or have too. I do look forward to the kids I tutor 4 days a week, but that’s another angry story. Everything is just too much for me. I stoped smoking going for 2 years now, because of the vascular dementia, but my husband insists to choose his pipe over his family and the secondhand smoke is depriving me more and more of oxygen and my brain just happily dies off more and more.

I’m fed up for comfort eating the same stuff every day, I want something else to eat. Although, I think the reality here is that I want Corona and everything just to go away. Is someone just going to draw a line on Old years eve and we step over it into 2021 and everything will be ok again???? I think not.

If you think I should change this topic or are fed up because everyone is talking or writing about Corona… suck it up and bugger off. Go read something else.

I’m lonely. When I got my diagnosis, I chose to withdraw myself, but now I want human company and interaction, not counting kids.

Another thing…. “end of year” always has it’s own problems. You miss people you lost and don’t have with you anymore over the so called “festive season”. This time is marked by suicides, many of them young people.  Depression after losing your job or business in this year. Bad thing about being depressed… it is not very acceptable or fashionable to even just mention that you are depressed or have an intense desire to end your life. You just don’t do that.

I think I said enough for now. Don’t know if I made any sense at all… but that’s it for now.

Saro (Elmarie)

How things get lost in Dementia land

Hi, long time no see…. or read for that matter 😄.

How does things get lost in Dementia land? It’s actually very easy. You walk through the house on  some kind of mission to do something , see something that looks very important at that moment… Thought 1… I better put that in a place where me and the family can find it immediately, it is after all something that every one is always looking for (catch, if I don’t keep on putting it somewhere else and subsequently forget about it, it would not have been missing in the first place.) Did I mention that when we forget, it is just as if something never existed… a big black hole. Other people can retrace and remember or remember later. In Dementia land, if it’s gone, it’s gone.

Thought 2… what if someone comes in and steal it… it’s my daughter’s most prized possession. .. definitely put it somewhere safe. By now you most probably are in trouble past all redemption. Brilliant idea was to give me a bag, where I can put things.

Then I lose something… that causes extreme anxiety. I do not stop searching or fiddeling or rummaging until I find what I was looking for. Nine out of ten times it is right in front of me and I’m simply unable to see it. Searching for stuff that got “lost” is one of the most terrifying things for me… wait until I start looking for my kids when they are away away from home….

Another thing that gets lost is the fact that I if asked a question… the same one I’m asking now… the previous answer keeps on disappearing. … another opportunity to get in trouble. Sometimes my family gets it, sometimes not. Make peace with it. It’s not going to change. You are the one with the good brain.

Thinking of something. … when you were a child one of the ways you learned, was to ask a million questions a day.  We gave you the right answers and some uncomfortable questions we tell a different story untill you could deal with it…. Mommy, where does babies come from? Yeah righ how old are you lol.

With us, we don’t  really need the real answer (unless we are still so that we can relatively understand, otherwise I’m  going to tell you I don’t have stupid, I have dementia) just one that makes us happy for the moment and much important… keeps us and you safe. Just work with us, not against us.

Now instead of learning, we are losing that learned information. Our brains are dying off, if you are in denial… well get with the program, that’s  how it’s  going to be or already is. I so dread that day, but guess what, Im not going to know if that terrible day arrives, my family is going to experience the decline.

One thing always to remember, we always loved you, still do and forever will. I read on one of the facebook pages about a lady that became her mom’s best friend, where she felt safe and happy even though her Mom did not recognized her anymore.

My family might deny that I get in trouble for stuff, but that’s  what it sometimes feel like.

Toodle, God bless and talk again xxxxx

Saro (Elmarie)