Shower + Spider

Hallo 🙂

Today I feel much better than yesterday.

Last night I went to the bathroom to have a shower. Now as things goes, you get undressed, make sure you don’t have your watch or glasses on enter the shower and close the door.

Now as I wanted to open the taps, my eye spied a huge spider… as big as my hand on my right hand side just above the small window. AAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAH a scream enough to wake the dead left my mouth through my lips. That was the fastest I ever got out of the shower. I always do it very careful, minding the painful knee and danger of falling.

Just there and then I got dressed again and into bed. Thoughts about killing the spider whirled through my mind. Now the dear Lord build me like a muffin and not a stick. Contemplating the murder of the spider that takes care of the flies and mosquitoes, I realize two things: 1. Should I attempt to kill the spider and I failed the first time and that thing with the many creepy legs starts running… I might just take the shower apart. 2. I was sure that I already was past my “sell by date”. So shower I had too.

Now the brave girl I am, I decided to attempt to shower again, for man kind and all those brave things they say. Went back to the bathroom, got undressed, opened the shower door and had a good chat with spider. Carefully I entered the shower, opened the taps, so not taking my eyes off the spider. Just as I was soaped all over, that spider lifted his two front legs and wave them. That was the fastest rinse ever, and out the shower. Toweled dry, got dressed and jumped into bed.

Moving those front legs, I think spider was either clapping his hands for me being brave or… C’mon mam, move your ass, I see a tasty fly and you told me not to move 🙂

Good bye for now and lots of love.


Conversation with God

Dear Father, this will be just a short chat. I know you love me and I love you. This dementia thing is too much to handle. I need your help. My family needs your help. Thank you that your Word says that you hear us and answer us. It is a struggle to just talk to you, because my mind just goes sideways and wanders off. Maybe if I talk to you this way? I found grabbing a pen and paper a bit more difficult, because I always forget where the book is or in which book did I start writing.

Thank you Father and goodnight.


How long is forever?

Hallo dear friend

I have been searching for a picture of a woman in pain on google, but could not find a suitable one. Words paint pictures too. I have been searching for online support groups for people diagnosed with vascular or any dementia, but all I find is for caregivers. There must be other like me that still is sort of okay and can still communicate. If anyone can help me with this I will appreciate it very much.

I woke up this morning and felt like I cried the whole night. Maybe I did, I will not know if I did. My meds put me out cold. The whole day is one big crying. But what I want to say is this:

At this stage I am still aware of what is going wrong. My speech that is not good. Stupid decisions I make. My reasoning that is way off. My daughter will tell me they are going somewhere and all that is in my mind is, that I will have to handle 20 kids on my own in my aftercare center. Which I simply can’t do. I will start crying and not realize that they will never leave me alone. They took the most of the work over and I just do a few, because it makes me happy and I still can do a few kids. Then it will upset them that I could even think something like that.

I will introduce myself to someone and the person will say, love, we know each other for years. My answer is just that I must have been thinking of someone else… I don’t know if that answer works.

I am alone at home at the moment, my family is away for the weekend. They look after after other peoples houses and pets for an extra income on weekends. My neighbor, bless her sweet heart baby sit me sort of. She visits and we have a standing date to cook and eat something together. And everyone video call me all the time. I wonder if they realize I have to go to the bathroom every now and then. A bit awkward, but If I don’t pick up everyone leave everything and try to get here as soon as possible. Today she decided I should make the chicken livers with lots of chili. I went to the kitchen and I froze. I had no idea how to. In my youth I was a great cook. I had to really think hard and hope all will be okay. Well it did turn out well 😉

Well I see it took me a few paragraphs to get to what I want to say. My family, they don’t tell me how they feel about all this dementia stuff. They don’t want me upset or unhappy. But what do they feel about it? It must be horrifying for them to see what is happening to me. They had to take over paying the accounts. They have to look at me crying all day. Realizing that I don’t remember stuff as if I never heard or knew about it. I used to be their dictionary, mumskie google. Wife, mummy knows everything and about everything. Now I just get confused. If someone talk to me with too many words, I have no idea what they say. I must still find a neutral answer to something like that, what if I agree to go on a trip to the moon or something like or say no to a chocolate, and then remember what response I decided on. That might be the hard part, remembering the response. I think my family’s hearts are as broken as mine.

How long will I still be able to still have this bit of awareness. But it is the awareness that breaks my heart. If the awareness goes away, maybe it will be better for me, but worse for my family. Who will be my caregiver? My husband is 56 and not well either anymore. He is very much deaf and his back is beyond redemption. I know my wonderful two young ladies will take care of us, but they must have a life of there own too. There are so many questions still. Will this take years? How long is forever, if you don’t know what day or date it is anymore?

Thank you for taking the time reading my block.



I’m so happy!!!

I’m so so so happy. Let me start with mothers day. I got a card saying … The best mom in the world. An Oreo Bubbly chocolate, and my favorite body lotion. Both my kids were here and we had our favorite meal. Russian sausage and chips, very unhealthy and smothered with mustard sauce and ketchup. Well that does not happen every day, so that was awesome.

The NPO VALK (Prevention of alcohol and substance abuse) of which I was chairperson for a few years, held an annual camp for the farm workers at Eerste Rivier by the sea. That was always the highlight of my year. We took these people and served them. We took them a bit out of there circumstances and spoiled them for a weekend. They got a chance to talk about their sorrows etc. We always had a concert as well. They enjoyed it so much. They got a chance to enact the things that made them unhappy and get a solution for it. We empowered them…

What I really want to tell is about two years ago a lady gave her testimony how she were ridiculed and mistreated because she was barren. My heart broke for this woman. I just held her in my arms for a whole night, dried her/our tears and prayed with her. My best friend that is a social worker came to me this morning. She told me she met this lady this past week at some women’s gathering AND SHE HAD A THREE MONTH OLD BABY IN HER ARMS! And she just said she would love to know what I would say when I see her baby. I am so going to find her. God is good, He exist, miracles exists.

The other thing that got me so excited is, I am invited to talk to a group of women on the 25th May about dementia. I so thought my life was over, and here I start crying again. But my life is not over. I used to do public speaking, I think the biggest crowd was about 600 women, not counting the men and children. Praise God, for He is good.

One other thingy, last night lying in bed my husband mentioned he would like to go to Oudtshoorn to see something again, can’t remember what. I said to him, why don’t we go and the answer as usual was: We have no money. And true as Bob, in the announcements in church this morning, there is an outing on the 22nd of May to Oudtshoorn. I do have enough money, but my friend that is organizing it said that I can use it for pocket money 😉 I am so fricken happy!!!!!!!

Thank you for reading my blog and sharing in my heartbreaks and happiness. I hope that this will help someone else.



Dementia symptom: crying

Hello 🙂

Now that I finally figured out how to write a blog again, I want to tell about crying.

First thing.. I used to be excellent with using the computer and now it sometimes is quite difficult. But I’m not the kind of girl that gives up.

Yesterday was a bad day. I cry a lot. It is one of the symptoms of dementia. Sometimes I cry, when I really don’t want to go to work, but my Aftercare center is my happy place. So my girls, the youngest 26 and the eldest 28, just pack me up and take me with. They help me with the Aftercare. The aftercare is where we help kids doing their homework and most of them with special needs. I can have the worst day ever, but when those little rascals are around me, everything change. It makes me happy.

Then sometimes I cry for nothing or every time I think or talk about dementia. Something else that sets me off crying, is the fact that I morn my condition. I am an intellectual or clever woman, or used to be, lately I don’t feel that I’m still clever. When someone talks to me and use too many words, it just cause confusion and I simply does not understand what is being said to me.

It is not just brain cells that died off, but much of my thoughts, abilities, words (I love words). My work ethic used to be analyze, prioritize and execute. Well that one is so down the drain. And yes I am crying while I type here. But I think I am brave writing about this thing that is happening to me. I am only 56 years old and there is so much still to do, but I will not give up. I will not give up. If I cannot find my words I can still point or make gestures. Imagine writing a blog with making gestures lol.

The crying upsets my family very much. My husband is calling, I am suppose to go for an afternoon nap. Better get up. See you next time and thank you for reading my blog.



How everything started going wrong.

In 2017 I started noticing something is wrong with me. When my best friend asked how I am, my answer always was. Not good, but I could not say why.

Before I go any further, my cognitive impairment is already considerable and the two strokes does not help much. I googled cognitive impairment (I used to be a neuro therapist, which says a lot of the dementia) and it means my thinking process is not good any more. People think dementia is only forgetting, but that is only one of the symptoms. So if my spelling or grammar is not so good, please forgive and know that I’m really trying to do something here. I might repeat myself or a sentence might not make sense. My speech are impaired due to the strokes. The speech therapist said it is not all about the words, it is about bringing over the idea of what I want to say.

One day I woke up and I could not think or really speak, so my family took me to our doctor. My blood pressure was sky high, so he gave me some medication for it. My hands always shook, but all of a sudden it started shaking so much that I could not eat on my own or write at all. My walking was off. So once again my family took me to the doctor, with a note with what is wrong, because I could not say what is wrong. He immediately got me admitted at the hospital. A CT scan were done and it showed the two strokes and the multiple infarctions across my brain. So there are many parts over my brain that died off. The two big strokes were new, but the rest were already old.

The neurologist said I do not have parkinsons (the hands shaking) or anything else apart from the two big strokes and the infarctions, which caused my brain to shrink.

Finally I found the most wonderful psychiatrist. I made sure she had all the medical reports and CT scan results. So October 2018 I was diagnosed with vascular dementia.

I decided to be honest in my blogs and I’m crying so much now that I will have to continue later.

Thank you for reading my blog.