Hallo dear friend
I have been searching for a picture of a woman in pain on google, but could not find a suitable one. Words paint pictures too. I have been searching for online support groups for people diagnosed with vascular or any dementia, but all I find is for caregivers. There must be other like me that still is sort of okay and can still communicate. If anyone can help me with this I will appreciate it very much.
I woke up this morning and felt like I cried the whole night. Maybe I did, I will not know if I did. My meds put me out cold. The whole day is one big crying. But what I want to say is this:
At this stage I am still aware of what is going wrong. My speech that is not good. Stupid decisions I make. My reasoning that is way off. My daughter will tell me they are going somewhere and all that is in my mind is, that I will have to handle 20 kids on my own in my aftercare center. Which I simply can’t do. I will start crying and not realize that they will never leave me alone. They took the most of the work over and I just do a few, because it makes me happy and I still can do a few kids. Then it will upset them that I could even think something like that.
I will introduce myself to someone and the person will say, love, we know each other for years. My answer is just that I must have been thinking of someone else… I don’t know if that answer works.
I am alone at home at the moment, my family is away for the weekend. They look after after other peoples houses and pets for an extra income on weekends. My neighbor, bless her sweet heart baby sit me sort of. She visits and we have a standing date to cook and eat something together. And everyone video call me all the time. I wonder if they realize I have to go to the bathroom every now and then. A bit awkward, but If I don’t pick up everyone leave everything and try to get here as soon as possible. Today she decided I should make the chicken livers with lots of chili. I went to the kitchen and I froze. I had no idea how to. In my youth I was a great cook. I had to really think hard and hope all will be okay. Well it did turn out well 😉
Well I see it took me a few paragraphs to get to what I want to say. My family, they don’t tell me how they feel about all this dementia stuff. They don’t want me upset or unhappy. But what do they feel about it? It must be horrifying for them to see what is happening to me. They had to take over paying the accounts. They have to look at me crying all day. Realizing that I don’t remember stuff as if I never heard or knew about it. I used to be their dictionary, mumskie google. Wife, mummy knows everything and about everything. Now I just get confused. If someone talk to me with too many words, I have no idea what they say. I must still find a neutral answer to something like that, what if I agree to go on a trip to the moon or something like or say no to a chocolate, and then remember what response I decided on. That might be the hard part, remembering the response. I think my family’s hearts are as broken as mine.
How long will I still be able to still have this bit of awareness. But it is the awareness that breaks my heart. If the awareness goes away, maybe it will be better for me, but worse for my family. Who will be my caregiver? My husband is 56 and not well either anymore. He is very much deaf and his back is beyond redemption. I know my wonderful two young ladies will take care of us, but they must have a life of there own too. There are so many questions still. Will this take years? How long is forever, if you don’t know what day or date it is anymore?
Thank you for taking the time reading my block.