The morning after.

I woke up this morning feeling as if I have a hangover, if I remember correctly. Last drink I had was in 1994. My liver just could not cope with all the medication and alcohol at the same time.

I can’t think… my head feels like a sement brick. Not even marbles rolling around. I can’t look anyone in the eyes, being ashamed because I cried last night and am crying again now.

I still battle to get over being told that I’m so much loved that she wipes my SHIT and PIS. That sounds like swear words.  What about saying helping when you have to change your diaper. Is there anyone that understands how demeaning it is to wear diapers at 58?

I try to make it easy for myself to tell a friend or 2 about the diapers…. and now the whole world knows, so that it just not become one big black shameful secret.

What should I do if I feel insulted or wronged because I understood incorrectly? What am I to do when I say or do something wrong because I didn’t understood or thought wrongly? What if I say wrong words because I don’t have other and then I forgot I said so.

I can’t reason anymore, or plan and lots of things. I write with great difficulty because of hand tremors, but I can draw and paint, how that works, I have no idea. I suppose it must be like people that had a stroke and can’t talk anymore, but they can sing beautifully. Maybe different parts of the brain.

I just simply do not want to live anymore period.

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