To change or to adapt…

Royalty free image from Dreamstime

I have a new old hand me down grateful laptop. Yay, now maybe I can write agein.

Before I carry on with my pitty party or whatever, here is something very very sad. My eldest and I suspect my youngest as well, feel they have to change who they are or how they express themselves. That they cannot be anymore who they are, because it causes my husband, that is pushing for 70 and I suspect also have some sort or dementia, to be agressive and makes me unhappy or crying. They don’t understand that they don’t have to change who they are, but must adapt to the current situation as it happens. I have a brain disease and my husband is not the young 21 anymore, so you with the good still functioning brain will have to adapt. Hopefully while gaining all the information that you need to handle the situation, so not to become frustrated and unhappy. Use Google. I think only God knows more than Google.

My husband (he is a good and kind man and I love him very much) deffinately does not think rational or logical anymore and with the dementia, I have my own problems with communication. The eldest says she talks “vehemently”, now that’s a strong word. The other day she said she is enthusiastic and gets excited, so her voice raises and vocabulary is in line with that, which is fine and better than the word vehemently. I also get excited etc., but my perception of face expression, tone of voice etc.,simply does not compute correctly to my brain sometimes anymore. Also confusion and lack of memory…. She says that she feels it is harming us. It is NOT true. My husband does not listen to anyone or shutup and listen until the other person finished their story. He reacts with aggression to anything from the start, even before he listened what anyone said.

I realize…. maybe am the only one that realizes it, is that he cannot hear when more than one person talks at the same time. See, the man is deaf and that the fricken hearing aid is causing a lot of problems. Somehow the hearing aid is not giving through our voices correctly. Bummer…. would like to step on it, but being stone cold deaf will be the end of him. The only thing keeping him alive or whatever, is his music. I can’t even imagine that, it will be so unthinkably terrible.

Now the youngest has this problem that everyone, specifically my husband is always telling her to shut-up and that she never has a say in anything. Misconception…. she starts talking by interrupting and then husband can’t hear, he tell her to wait or shut up, then she reacts aggressive and speaks to him in a manner I NEVER would have talked to my parents, even my abusive mother.

My husband does not love himself… his body and whatever, not going to ask him and get into that, he have to sort that out, I can’t do that for him. (my daughters also does not love them selves or eccept themselves for the absolutely amazing and good people they are) So he is negative, listens to people that promotes and preaches poison all day on the internet and sad to say have this humour that a woman always don’t like the husband or that the husband is always in trouble with the wife. That is a preconcieved lie from the devil. He just never accepts that we or anyone can have a different oppinion than he as well.

Many problems starts off with inaccurate preconceived ideas and believes that are piling up in our unconsious, through a few bad experiences and mostly through the mass media that we are bombarded with in this day and age. There are so many gullible people that just swallow what they are being fed… then they send all those scams and incorrect information on to other gullable, stupid, uninformed and uneducated people. A few examples…. about races, covid 19, vaccination, or what ever the trend of the day is.

Oh well, let me stop here, can’t remember the other hundred things I wanted to say. Must admit, I edited this and am amazed at the words that I used. There is nothing like a good night’s sleep and enought hydration for dementia.. The night before I did not sleep at all and were a zombie the whole day long. Anyways, have a lovely day..

Lots of love and kindness.

Elmarie (Saro)

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Life with art.

Watercolor with ink and color pencils by me.

Wetting paper, the whole page or just one place at a time. Picking up as much pigment on your wet brush and touch the wet page.

The most beautiful color bleeds on the spot into tiny feathery fingers. Then another color. All bright and beautiful. New images comes to mind.

A mind sometimes only seeing darkness. A brain deteriorating gradually. But the colors and images of the watercolor paint explodes into new ideas, new energy and happiness.

You still look young, a beautiful painting where no one can see the deterioration and sometimes you feel you have to explain or prove that which you loose sometimes day by day or gradually is unfortunately real. Nobody wants it, but it creeps up to you.

Then comes the tears, the waters over your page, sometimes all in the open… the whole page at once. Sometimes just spots around the corner where no one see.

But then you pick up that brush, dip it in that water, fill it with beauty. Red, purple, yellow, greens. An entire rainbow to brighten up your day. God will never leave you nor forsake you. Beautiful flowers flow out of your brush. Giving yourself and other new hope. We know the end, but we can live the in between in beautiful colors. Find out what your paintbrush is. For those that lost their paintbrushes already, help them. Take their hand and move the beautiful paint around. Ignite each others sparks to momentarily reach the surface.

Take a pen or brush or camera and discover the beautiful and whimsical beauty that will always stay in us. Let us share our beauties with each other and even leave each other encouraging notes.

Art brings your brain and imagination to life. Art can be anything, even gardening. The sky is the limit and sometimes these beauties leaves something for our loved ones to remember us by. Not with sadness, but with the joy that the colors of the rainbow brings.

With love and kindness.

Elmarie (Saro)

End of year… balistic!

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This is my head, mood, emotions and and and and!!!! This is no new news to any person… human being on planet earth, except for those idiots that recon COVID 19  is some sort of alien conspiracy and putting the rest of planet earth’s population in danger of dying and dying themselves by the loads full.

I’m tired and angry. I had enough. What else can I add that starts with “I”.

I’m tired of being scared, lonely, frustrated, desperate and plain angry. How could a whole year be so horrific? 2020 is…. I lack the propper words for a suitable comparison.

I think I have just repeated myself more in a few sentences than in my entire blog.

The masks is choking a person.  If you have a wet sneeze it’s snot all over your face and particularly bad if you wear one of those see threw plastic masks that covers your entire face… I leave that to your imagination. Next one a burp after a particular garlicky meal and someone said if you smoke, it can become really stuffy.

Another thing about masks, I battle to recognize people or properly understand them if voices are so muffled. You cannot see if someone smile. The world turned into one huge unfriendly place.

You can zoom and socialise like that, but that is no real touch and a presence that only two or more bodies can create in a room.

Everything changed. Well you can say “new normal” until you are blue in the face, I can’t even figure out my phone when it updates, so how do I do “new normal” when the dementia is already doing a daily “new normal” number on me. How the F do I handle this?

I feel unable to move from my chair and do the things I like or have too. I do look forward to the kids I tutor 4 days a week, but that’s another angry story. Everything is just too much for me. I stoped smoking going for 2 years now, because of the vascular dementia, but my husband insists to choose his pipe over his family and the secondhand smoke is depriving me more and more of oxygen and my brain just happily dies off more and more.

I’m fed up for comfort eating the same stuff every day, I want something else to eat. Although, I think the reality here is that I want Corona and everything just to go away. Is someone just going to draw a line on Old years eve and we step over it into 2021 and everything will be ok again???? I think not.

If you think I should change this topic or are fed up because everyone is talking or writing about Corona… suck it up and bugger off. Go read something else.

I’m lonely. When I got my diagnosis, I chose to withdraw myself, but now I want human company and interaction, not counting kids.

Another thing…. “end of year” always has it’s own problems. You miss people you lost and don’t have with you anymore over the so called “festive season”. This time is marked by suicides, many of them young people.  Depression after losing your job or business in this year. Bad thing about being depressed… it is not very acceptable or fashionable to even just mention that you are depressed or have an intense desire to end your life. You just don’t do that.

I think I said enough for now. Don’t know if I made any sense at all… but that’s it for now.

Saro (Elmarie)

Living with dementia in lockdown for me.

I remember all started with a panic. See if we all have enough food and money. My youngest ordered lots and lots of masks and sanitizer, which is very good. For me, anxiety set in. When I am anxious, it feels like my head becomes a stone. It cannot think, reason. My words became less and less.

I dwindled down to being unable to count or any figures, I cannot read or follow a recipe anymore. I did not blog, because think is difficult, even find words. As time went on, tension become more and the moment there is conflict my brain shut down. I can literally not move or communicate. Then I cannot talk for few days. Miss every third or forth word. Difficult to hold conversation, because no social interaction. I do however have my Dementia Mentors friends with whom I try to zoom every day.

My concentration is down, I will wonder around wanting to do something, forget then find something else and then forget that something else as well, went back to my chair. When my daughters or husband go to work or somewhere, I become anxious, because I cannot remember where they went or when they come back. Then I want to send them Whatsapp and forget that and later wonder if they will be angry if I don’t send message and then forget that too.

My filter also broke. Saying things I should not say, like hurting someone or tell someone something I shouldn’t, not that we keep secrets, but sometime there are things you don’t say in public or to you family or to anyone.

It’s getting on my family’s nerves that I ask say 3 times in a row how they are and just forget I did. The forget thing is weird. I forget… it is like a black hole where nothing even ever existed. I started making jewelry, that helped keeping me stimulated, but lately I cannot think up new designs. I went to my GP yesterday and he asked me to take off my jacket and I asked him which one, as I was wearing two. He looked at me and said both…. that’s a bummer and I remember it. I don’t feel in control anymore. I get anxiety when left alone for a few minutes. Then I don’t know where everyone is.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense. I don’t catch a joke anymore, no matter how many times you explain it. It is difficult to communicate without seeing someones face. So video call works better for me to understand something. In this time of lockdown I really have no sense of day, date even time anymore. It is one big sleep time and awake time.

A human being needs to socialize, if your brain don’t function and the basic requirement of socialization even on the most basic and way, like saying hello to the lady in the pharmacy are deprived of, it shuts down. The few thoughts you have gets muddled. The other night I was lying in bed and the weirdest thing happened. I tried to think, but all the words were like a lot of colored marbles in a bag, refusing to form a sentence even a picture. That happens more and more with me. Communication, it becomes more and more difficult. When there is confrontation, I just use swear words and say bad things, because I cannot sort matter in my brain to fix confrontation.

Got to go, stay safe.

Lots of love

Saro (Elmarie)

Positive

Positive. See, I just started my blog positive. It is a desperate wish of mine to start or write today’s blog positive…. NO man! not positive for COVID-19…! Positive in attitude, thoughts, any other suggestions?

Everything feels so negative. I have no contact with the outside world… wait!!!! My Zoom buddies. O dear, we can be so funny, but I notice that we find it more and more difficult to keep the conversation light and funny. All of us…. for those that don’t know, have some form of Dementia and are early onset. We understand each other and even though the contact is virtual…. we figured Zoom out plus minus before the rest of the world, I would like to think lol.

What I wanted to say is, that we actually are a close family, even though some of us are really live across the pond. The two from England Peter and Andrew are on their worst behavior. Andrew just tested positive for COVID-19 and Peter is in hospital, being tested. Now I worry my self in a spin. They are important to me, all of them are important to me and I guess we are all important to each other. I love all of my Dementia Mentor friends so much. Creeky takes me to the beach on Sundays in Corpus Christi Texas. Ok… we chat on Messenger and she show me the beach and sea and birds flying over. Just got to love the girl with that nice bottle red hair of hers.

In the beginning of the lock down thing and start of the virus, I was concerned, then it escalated to worried, then anxious and then plain scared. Now I just feel numb, don’t feel like doing anything. The dishes in the kitchen is singing:” Tomorrow, tomorrow… tomorrow” In a lovely falsetto tone. And me…. just bugger off Okay!!!!!!! Imagine the dishes and pots etc, forming a line and starts a march across the field, past the cows, waving at the crows, saying hello to the sheep or something like that. Or I just might… Okay am definitely digging up my firm believe of fairies. Fairies whose sole purpose is to make me comfortable and then clean the house, do the dishes and I can supply them with a nice menu. A girl can dream or what lol.

Got to go, our President want’s to talk to us…. God save the Queen…. no… that the Brits!

Good night, Good morning and Good afternoon dear friends and family and now, I did not drink, it is against the law here in South Africa.

Saro (Elmarie)

Lock down effects on person with dementia

Want to give credit, but I have not idea anymore where I got this picture…

Hi there. Don’t know if I should ask anybody how are you, because I think this COVID-19 virus thingy is now getting everyone or most people down. If you are not staying inside and quarantined, you are an idiot.

See, I use words like idiot… not that it is a strange word, but this virus is turning some of us into things and people that we normally not would be or want to be.

Our biggest enemy, apart from the virus, is our thoughts and emotions. I have not been feeling well lately, everything feels “foggy”… like I will walk around, from here to there and have no fricken idea of what I am doing or wanted to do. Have a million things I want to do, but it just seem too much. Three pots to wash, is just too much. I feel frozen… paralyzed… It is just too much. I set myself 3 things to do. Blog, making Jewelry and playing my online game. That’s apart from caring for my children’s zoo, cooking (that is daunting as well, because I make more of a mess than anything else. The successes are much less than the messes.

I battle to think up something to cook. Google recipes, but then get bogged down in it and turn up with nothing and time for eat is long gone and my husband walk around with a slice of bread in his mouth. The only time of the the day I’m actually hungry is ten o’clock at night. Strange but true. Wonder if that’s my brain not being so fresh or what ever. Anyway, I do eat, because my husband must eat.

People does not realize that a person with dementia, whatever type, get to a stage where words are not making so much sense all the time anymore and we have to read the facial expressions and body language. to get to the whole conversation. Extreme expressions or reactions of other people absolutely put our brains in a standstill, with tears or whatever proper or improper reaction from our part. I don’t know how caregivers are doing what they are doing, but it must be difficult for them. Then on the other side, just think how fricken difficult it is for the person that actually have the dementia.

I forget, then I get reactions or feedback from other people that I have NO idea what to do with or how to react to. Being a caregiver must be difficult, but if you are a selfish I, me and myself type, put that person in an institution and get on with your life. Harsh words, but that is how I feel today. Nobody asked for this condition. It is stealing slowly but surely my whole being and life from me and I fricken hate it.

Something that also happens is, you had a fight or something with someone and all that happens, it gets stuck in your head. You don’t know how to get around it. Pieces in between just gets lost and all that gets stuck in your head is guess what…… the fucking fight. There I said the word… Fucking. Should I put a sign “not for sensitive readers” or something like that at the top. I don’t know… deal with it and just get over it…. you most probably can, while I might have some trouble with it.

Caregivers might have real trouble handling their loved ones, but guess what a person with dementia don’t know either and eventually don’t even know. My know and not know is getting less and less. I don’t really know all the time anymore when something went wrong because of me. The awareness is wearing off. It scares the living daylight out of me. Am I slipping away? My brain is deteriorating, is dying off. That is absolutely fucking horrible. I don’t feel sorry for my self, although not at this moment. Now I do feel sorry for my self and I’m crying as discreet as possible, so that my husband doesn’t see it and get upset.

I had a fight or whatever with my eldest daughter today. I tried to call again later, to try and fix things… I just couldn’t . I feel so paralyzed. I don’t know how to fix things or organize or even reason or plan anything anymore. The how is gone. Seems I can still write, most probably full of mistakes and so on, but that’s it, at least I try.

In spite of everything, I must continue to be brave and not give up. God help me… here I am!!!!!!!

Saro (Elmarie)

Day 7 of Corona virus lockdown

Been a busy day today. Cleaned the chicken beds, washed the floors, vacuumed, cooked…. and thought out some stuff I want to bake. Thinking out that stuff was hard work, since I want to do it tomorrow…..

List: Cinnamon rolls (post photo on facebook ), little blankets (sausage in a dough fried in oil. Vetkoek. Mayonnaise muffins. Much of this I want to freeze for snacks etc….

Found something interesting on facebook. Put a note on bread for Husband… If you don’t stop binging on the bread your pants is not going to fall off anymore because you don’t have hips… there will be enough at the end of the lock down around your waist to keep your pants up. Original note on Facebook said:”You are not hungry, you are bored… go watch some more TV” stuck in the fridge. Very original.

My Dementia Mentors Zoom buddies decided we should have a cowboy theme for next week. Well I don’t have anything cowboy, except for my landlord’s few cows that is grazing outside as we live on a farm. I think I will make a note: “Cowboy theme” and stick it on my forehead. Should do the trick.

We talked about snakes tonight… grrr yuk. Don’t like… nope ….no. I promised to blog a snake story, but will leave that for tomorrow. Someone also made a joke to use baby nappies as face masks, I thought I could just pull mine over my head… then they told me it was only a joke. I can be such an asshole.

My meds is kicking in and I have to go. I did play my Dawn of Titans and touched my jewelry and blogged. Personal mission accomplished. I must put in diary that someone asked me to make a video of my jewelry and post on facebook. Maybe I should and I just need to get a few things sorted. Don’t know how long that’s gonna take lol. Lora has a small stand for her cellphone…. O well at least one idea already.

Toodles! Lots of love and kindness.

Saro (Elmarie)

Day 6 of lock down.

Titles is getting boring….

Hi, it is day 6 of our total lock down. Thus far my intention to write, play game and jewelry is successful. My friend Marian visited and we made cinnamon and sugar pancakes. She told me to make the batter. I think her intention was to let me feel I can still do somethings myself. Thing is, I could not understand the recipe. I could not understand the measurements. It is so strange, my brain just refused to make sense of it. I ended up putting a quarter cup vinegar in, very happy that I did not have to battle to get the liquid in a tablespoon and make a mess. Eventually I started crying and she took over. All you could taste was vinegar. She did not know about the vinegar measurement that I was so relieved about. Well it did not taste that bad and we finished the lot.I just made myself some chicken livers and that was a success, what a relieve and pleasure to my taste buds.

That was only one of my boo boo’s today. We had our Dementia Mentors Zoom and one guy Cecil made a quilt. That’s a story for another day, but thing is, he is so funny. He has the most wonderful sense of humor. He makes me laugh and he truly makes me happy. Well he made another joke and I insisted to give them the word in Afrikaans for a really funny guy. Grapgat. I translated it to Joker asshole. I saw everybody just looked at me and I tried again…. a big hole of jokes. But I told him, he makes me laugh and happy. He actually cried. Afterwards we talked on Messenger and I apologized. He then told me it is a word you cannot translate that belong to a certain part of a country and came up with the words a “well of jokes”. Well that is accurate and really sounds better. This guy speak I don’t know how many languages, so he could figure it out.

Got to go, sleep time and my meds is busy kicking in.

Lots of love and kindness

Saro (Elmarie)

Day 5 of lock down

I wonder how you get the picture to the side, or maybe it should be in the middle… anyways, here I start my blog with one of my random thoughts. Oh well, that’s okay too. I don’t know if I said it somewhere, but I decided that in this time I will blog again, play Dawn of Titans and do my jewelry. Well, I’m successful thus far.

Sad thing just happened. I’m looking after baby chicks that is been hatched in an incubator. One little Orpington just died. He had lovely white lines around his eyes. His dad… a formidable huge Orpington with a real bad temper died a month or so ago. I’m so not taking this very well. A wonderful thing about this chicken thing is that a few times I had the little chicken born right in my hand. That is an awesome experience.

I enjoyed my first game on Dawn of Titans. There are a lot of new players I don’t know and way to little players. Wonder where my kids went off wondering…. (mind you grown-ups between 30 and 50 years old)

My jewelry education on Youtube is quite extensive. There is this woman Darlene, I just adore her and she is so practical and awesome creative and good ideas…. and so I can go on.

Had a very nice Zoom Dementia Mentors Zoom meeting today. We had such a laugh, Peter had to chase a bumblebee out of his glasshouse where he was chatting from. Everyone is learning or doing zoom and whatever meetings now, while we have been doing it for like ever… Our Virtual Cafe’s is awesome. We are family, friends and meet everyday. So awesome. I just love the lot of them. Everyone has some form of dementia in different stages, although most of us are early onset. Some days we all have on hats, or tie dye shirts (don’t know how to spell that, not that it matter anymore for me, as long as I can communicate.

My husband is driving me around the bend. He is comfort eating and smoking his pipe, but I put my mask on when he smokes. I will most probably not go out anyway.

Have to go. Toodles

Saro (Elmarie)

Day 4 of lock down.

Hi guys and girls, it is out fourth day of COVID-19 lock down. Many lovely positive things happened today, so no complaints over here.

My dearest friend Marian had her 49th birthday today and I made her a lovely little basket and lid from newspaper. She was really happy with it. She also brought us some frozen chickens and offer to to buy some necessities, so that my husband and I don’t have to be exposed. We decided to wait another 2 days, as the government old age payments were today and there would have been a lot of people. Also, she can get the stuff we need close to us, that is not that much visited by people. That’s really awesome of her.

One thing though…. my husband and his pipe smoking or smoking in general is killing me. I stopped 6 months ago. The pipe smoke gives me a headache and makes me nauseous. Tomorrow, I’m wearing a bandana or scarf around my face. I love him very much, but this is really getting too much.

Another good thing that happened was that I decided to make a Whatsapp group to keep in touch with my 3 brothers. They all thought it to be a good idea and it makes me happy, although I stated it is to chat and not to be spammed with stupid pictures …. those that some people spam your phone with mornings and nights.

I must admit that this pandemic is raising my anxiety to new levels. I do however try to just avoid negative things and search out positive things. Share the amount of people that recovered after having the virus, instead of how many are now infected or died. We have to live in confined spaces for quite some time, so we must take measures to avoid depression. Also, get closer to God, he never leaves us. He is not the one that send this, He is the one that heals. God is in the healing business not killing. His love for us is infinite and far more than we can ever imagine.

Have to go now. Hope and pray that all of you stay safe and are well.

lots of love and kindness

Saro (Elmarie)