Hi there. Don’t know if I should ask anybody how are you, because I think this COVID-19 virus thingy is now getting everyone or most people down. If you are not staying inside and quarantined, you are an idiot.
See, I use words like idiot… not that it is a strange word, but this virus is turning some of us into things and people that we normally not would be or want to be.
Our biggest enemy, apart from the virus, is our thoughts and emotions. I have not been feeling well lately, everything feels “foggy”… like I will walk around, from here to there and have no fricken idea of what I am doing or wanted to do. Have a million things I want to do, but it just seem too much. Three pots to wash, is just too much. I feel frozen… paralyzed… It is just too much. I set myself 3 things to do. Blog, making Jewelry and playing my online game. That’s apart from caring for my children’s zoo, cooking (that is daunting as well, because I make more of a mess than anything else. The successes are much less than the messes.
I battle to think up something to cook. Google recipes, but then get bogged down in it and turn up with nothing and time for eat is long gone and my husband walk around with a slice of bread in his mouth. The only time of the the day I’m actually hungry is ten o’clock at night. Strange but true. Wonder if that’s my brain not being so fresh or what ever. Anyway, I do eat, because my husband must eat.
People does not realize that a person with dementia, whatever type, get to a stage where words are not making so much sense all the time anymore and we have to read the facial expressions and body language. to get to the whole conversation. Extreme expressions or reactions of other people absolutely put our brains in a standstill, with tears or whatever proper or improper reaction from our part. I don’t know how caregivers are doing what they are doing, but it must be difficult for them. Then on the other side, just think how fricken difficult it is for the person that actually have the dementia.
I forget, then I get reactions or feedback from other people that I have NO idea what to do with or how to react to. Being a caregiver must be difficult, but if you are a selfish I, me and myself type, put that person in an institution and get on with your life. Harsh words, but that is how I feel today. Nobody asked for this condition. It is stealing slowly but surely my whole being and life from me and I fricken hate it.
Something that also happens is, you had a fight or something with someone and all that happens, it gets stuck in your head. You don’t know how to get around it. Pieces in between just gets lost and all that gets stuck in your head is guess what…… the fucking fight. There I said the word… Fucking. Should I put a sign “not for sensitive readers” or something like that at the top. I don’t know… deal with it and just get over it…. you most probably can, while I might have some trouble with it.
Caregivers might have real trouble handling their loved ones, but guess what a person with dementia don’t know either and eventually don’t even know. My know and not know is getting less and less. I don’t really know all the time anymore when something went wrong because of me. The awareness is wearing off. It scares the living daylight out of me. Am I slipping away? My brain is deteriorating, is dying off. That is absolutely fucking horrible. I don’t feel sorry for my self, although not at this moment. Now I do feel sorry for my self and I’m crying as discreet as possible, so that my husband doesn’t see it and get upset.
I had a fight or whatever with my eldest daughter today. I tried to call again later, to try and fix things… I just couldn’t . I feel so paralyzed. I don’t know how to fix things or organize or even reason or plan anything anymore. The how is gone. Seems I can still write, most probably full of mistakes and so on, but that’s it, at least I try.
In spite of everything, I must continue to be brave and not give up. God help me… here I am!!!!!!!