Hi there. I’ve really been subject to emotional trauma since yesterday. I am trying to write this in spite of how I feel. I want to get this over to people. I will not name names, but will however try to tell the incidents, as much as I can.
I live on a farm and my children have two bunnies and a few chickens outside that I’m taking care of in this lock down time. I do it with love. Yesterday when I looked out the backdoor, some cows have been send into the garden and was touching their skins against the chicken coop. I got histerical immediately. Having early onset vascular dementia with cognitive …. going down whatever have crying as one of it’s symptoms. I phoned the person whose farm it is and he removed them.
Today him and his wife came to see us. My husband went to speak to them and I heard something was wrong and went out as well. Five seconds in I was crying, and being told to stop crying and that crying is not going to help and some more of that. I couldn’t make a conversation. All I heard was this woman’s insecurity telling me, that we pretend that is our farm and do as we want to. We do not do that, for the simple reason…. every time we try and do or fix something to help them we get verbally smacked around…. words chosen in lack of other words. I tried to tell her I have dementia…. my brain is dying, unable to remember, conversation, reason etc and she just told me it does not matter to her all she want’s us is to back off and if they want to put the cows in the garden they can do so. It was such a mess. Eventually I couldn’t understand a word she said.
I also freaked out because they did not keep the distance and they are working and are getting in contact with people I don’t know. My husband, bless his soul sorted them somehow. She came in and went to sit in front of me and touched me… what if me and my husband get sick. None of us had safety measures…
My head feels like a huge hangover, if I remember correctly, God knows how I manage writing this. My head feels terrible. Like things come up in my thoughts and run out immediately again. Tried to play my game…. no use. All fuzzy. This is fuzzy, but somehow it sails over the black foggy feeling in my brain.
I could Zoom with my Dementia Mentors buddies, who could listen and got me to do the take a breath until I feel better and eventually got a smile out of me… at least I saw my smile on the camera. How I just love them. All going through same… some form/stage of dementia. My husband is such a sweetheart. One thing this lock down did well, was to bring the two of us closer again. Been married 31 years. Will love him till the end of days.There is a lot other things I wanted to say, but lack the words and further ability. Just took my meds (hubby got me to drink another extra anxiety tablet afterwards) going to sleep now. Just hope tomorrow I will feel better tomorrow, which I doubt. Things like this affects me for days afterwards. I can not handle …. a fight or whatever word…. bad things. And the tears are still running down my face.
It is the most terrifying and paralyzing thing being attacked by someone…. yes she knows about my condition, I now remember. Telling you it does not matter and just don’t care and the best is this person proclaims to be a christian…. Refusing to listen while you desperately try to explain why you reacted the way you did… making a failure of that effort…. I just cried more… this person looked like this huge thing, person looming over you with words you hardly understand and eventually does not make sense of…. I’m not blowing this up…. this is my real life experience… I’m scared, so so so scared… scared of the future, scared of dementia, scared of slipping off… scared of incidents or happenings like this that I obviously cannot handle. At what point do I just simply give up?