It is my intention with this blog to be brutally honest. It concerns my feelings, happenings etc. Some of my perceptions is not necessarily the truth, but it is how it feels to me. Fear of the unknown is absolutely devastating.
I had a very traumatic experience the other day, had to go for a colonoscopy. In the first place they had to puncture me 8 times to get a vein. Not the doctor’s fault I think, but what was terrible, was that I was most of the time not sedated. It was painful and just terrible. My confusion etc. increased after that, as is my memory and my sense of date, day, time and year is gone. I keep on getting it wrong and when I try to figure it out, it is as if there is just this big black hole.
My brother and his beautiful wife, whom I will meet really for the first time, the other time was with my mother’s funeral. I am so happy they are coming for a visit, but on the other side, it freaks met out. In the past I could say:”Ok, this and that and ten other things is what needs to be done, etc.” Now I cannot think of one thing to make for dinner, where are they going to sleep… It is just one big irrational fear inside of me. I feel out of control. I don’t have control over anything anymore… It scares me… (Note to self… (geez girl, you been such a control freak?)
Sometimes it feels so lonely, even though I have my family with me. They love me to kingdom and back. I find it increasingly difficult to communicate. To have a conversation and also I think people don’t want to hear about dementia all the time. I can talk about God… recite the bible. Talk about history, European, Egyptian or Russian or Vikings, lots of things, but then not many people go past recipes, gossip, their kids and sport. So by the way, I’m so happy the Springbucks won the rugby world cup. I never watch sport, but that I watched and I remembered the two other times we won. It is as if there is this barrier or nothingness when I try to tell or communicate something to someone else. The other thing is the words. Everyday sayings, hello how are you, fine thank you, hows the kids… no problem, but try to use or remember bigger words or have a conversation…. That kite just don’t fly anymore. Then when people see you… Oh wonderful, you look so good. O yeah I’m fine thanks dear… who the hell is this female……????
I am amazed that I can still write like this… hope it is not too bad. I forget to write my blog. I forgot to play my online game Dawn of Titans for a week… goodness, I’m suppose to be addicted to it. I will continue to write and I hope it will be for years.
Anyways, got to go.
Much love and kindness.