I don’t want it!

I don’t want the strokes… I don’t want the dementia!!!!! It makes me miserable. Some days I feel courageous and other days I feel like this. I feel stupid, incompetent and useless. If my family reads or hears this, they will assure me that it is not the case, but it is how I feel.

The Bipolar does not help either. It is something that has been haunting me for practically all my life. Suicide attempts, horrible highs and then the terrible downs, where all is black with no hope. There is also the aggression. That is the worst of all. It makes me a monster. It harms me and my family equally and sometimes I think it harms me most because of the guild and sorrow.

I am on so much medication that if I take any more, I will be a slobbering fool. The medication is a mood stabilizer and the Dopaquel takes care of the aggression and insomnia. Obviously there is nothing to be done on the dementia medication wise. They gave me Memantine for 6 months, to see if it keeps the decline less, but I don’t see any and have stopped taking it. The other medication I take because it keeps me alive.

Then there is the anxiety and epilepsy…. I think I cover almost all the bases on what can go wrong in the head. Thank God I am mentally and behaviorally stable and don’t have personality or something like that problems.

I just can’t stop crying today. My husband is in a sh@t mood as well and that’s not helping. I cannot handle conflict. That simply is too much for me. I feel as if I cannot do anything anymore, which is not really true, I can still wipe my own butt so to speak. I keep on putting things away and when I or everyone else starts looking for something such a huge cloud of anxiety comes over me.

I cannot say something about my husband here, because it will not be right, I do love him though, but I think he needs help as well mentally. How to address that is beyond me. My kids are a tremendous help and comfort.

All these things is not written on my face, or scars or something. It is in my fricken head. As long as I keep my mouth shut nobody will be any the wiser. I do have a speech impairment because of the strokes and the cognitive impairment is …. as I said as long as I keep my mouth shut.

But how can I shut my mouth and not talk, because with the dementia in the later stages my speech will disappear all together.

Many people think that having dementia of whatever kind you are immediately unable to walk talk or function. It is not true. You can still have a meaningful life for many years until THAT DAY comes. Yes we need assistance and the assistance will be increasingly needed. But people are not all of a sudden this monsters that does not want to shower or whatever. Yes I feel sorry for the caregivers and I am very very grateful for what they do. They dedicate their lives to take care of their loved ones. Thing is the ME does not go away. I will always be there, even if it looks like I’m just a shell. Nobody can suddenly go from somebody to a nobody. Until the day you die, you will be a somebody with a name. I am Saro or Elmarie.

All this is breaking my heart for myself, my family and everyone that have the same conditions. But life is not fair. Nowhere is there any guarantee that life will or is moonshine and roses. If someone have cancer or some other disease everyone go and visit etc. Most of the people that I speak to that have dementia said that they have lost friends and even family. So many are lonely. I am so grateful for Dementia Mentors that introduced me to friends that are the same as me. Days like this I just want to curl up and die or something like that and no dear daughters of mine that reads my blogs you don’t have to put me on suicide watch. I will most probably recover and be on my merry way again. I am not going to re read this post so please put up with the mistakes and thank you for reading/listening, it is appreciated.



8 thoughts on “I don’t want it!

  1. Thank you for freely expressing yourself and thanks to your family members who support you in this. My daughter has a mother-in-law who is experiencing many of the same problems you have talked about. She is from Korea and her English is limited so she is unable to express herself as well as you do. I often wonder what she is thinking and going through and your blog helps me be more understanding. Thank God you can express yourself so eloquently with honesty and humor. I see you in there and I like what I see! Peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my gosh, Saro, hope that phrase does not offend you, but it burst into my heart as I read your post, Oh my gosh. I am beyond amazed you can write with such clarity and wisdom. My mother had dementia and I knew she was not lost inside even right before she died. I only wished she could have written like you have so she could express her heart easily. It mostly came out in anger and wanting to go back to her little apartment, anywhere but the nursing home. And I still carry the guilt of not being able to take care of her myself. she did become more aggressive as the dementia got worst. It took me a whole year after she was gone before I could look at her picture without crying. She had a hard life with my Dad and even my step Dad at the end, I felt like she did not deserve how she ended up.
    Life is not fair and I know that but how my heart still hurts for her even though she was a believer in what Christ did on the cross for her and I believe she is at peace now without the mental and physically pain. But I just wish she could of had a piece of heaven here more often. Saro, you have stirred my heart to pray for you and I will be back to read more of your wisdom that can only come from struggles and painful things. These things make us dig deep and if I wanted to talk to someone who knows the way of struggle, it would be you. thank you for putting your heart out there. I am one who has been helped. Bless you, bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What an emotional post this must have been to write ❤. I often find myself thinking how you are doing as you have a lot to battle with but I so love your will power to keep going. I think you will not only just be someone for eternity but also a very special somebody. Much love to you ❤❤


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