About suicide.

I have been thinking about suicide a lot. Some people reckon people that say they want to commit suicide or try, are just attention seekers or even worse cowards. That is not true. Anyone of that opinion has never been in that person’s shoes, circumstances or had a chemical something going wrong in the brain. Have never heard of bipolar.

When you are depressed, you just simply see no future or way out of some situation. That is the one type of depression and it very often end in a successful suicide.

Then the bipolar or chemical problem in your brain… it is like a darkness pushing over your brain. You cannot think of anything else but to be dead. You make plans. Do research on how to commit a successful suicide. You become obsessed with it.

You cannot talk about it, because suicide or your depressed chatter, just isn’t popular and no one wants to listen or gets uneasy  during any conversation about it. 

THING IS THIS. IF YOU COMMIT SUICIDE,  YOU LEAVE YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY WITH LIFELONG GRIEVE, FEELING GUILTY, NOT THAT IT WILL BE THEIR FAULT. YOU MIGHT GET YOUR WISH AND DIE, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SORROW OF THOSE THAT LOVE YOU AND CARE FOR YOU, YOU LEAVE BEHIND? GO AND SEE A DOCTOR,  TAKE YOUR MEDICATION. GET HELP IF YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES.  IF YOU TAKE MEDICATION, PLEASE DON’T STOP TAKING IT. 

As I said, this is a difficult thing to talk about. I do apologize to those I might have traumatized or made uneasy about me talking about suicide.

Here is help, please make use of it. https://www.therapyroute.com/article/suicide-hotlines-and-crisis-lines-in-south-africa

I just had a heart to heart chat with you and me. Please you matter and are precious.

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Adjusting with demantia.

Hi there. Long time no see 😁🌹 I have been busy as the above shows. I’m learning from Mark Kistler’s video’s to properly draw. It makes me happy. I still do the jewelry as well.

That is from the dearest ever Heather Boyd Wire. I so love her stuff.

Something I’m really working on, is to shut up when someone becomes fedup with my repetitive questions. I was doing something the other day and I asked my eldest, Lora 30 times in a row what the date was. She actually handled it well. The tyre only bursted a bit later that night when she were tired. I’m getting a new watch,😁.

I think slowly but surely we are finally adapting to mum’s decreasing brain abilities.

Something weird is happening. I could never do simple sums … Never ever could I literally do 3 + 2= 5. I had to count on my fingers.. now I see the sum in my head and whoops there is your answer, but I cannot count. I cannot do metacognitive or where you just start somewhere and count or backwards. I can’t see it, or figure it out. When I work on a chart with figures, I can still see patterns. That’s the weirdest thing.

My jewelry and drawing and working still with a few kids grade 1 & 2 (about 4) doing their homework is keep my brain active. I notice when a petal fell off my rose, but that’s ok. I’m happy.

I had my birthday on the 10th of march and all I wanted was a margarine tub full of candy.

Guess what, I got it. I was so happy. Sometimes it feels like I’m becoming a child again, but a happy one. My bipolar is behaving for a change. That’s a miracle in itself.

I fell about 2 days ago, something I do a lot lately. Geez my knees and hip and everything is so painful, specially at night. Somehow my left foot does not lift so  well anymore. Don’t know why… My guess tiny stroke again sometime or another. I need new and more appropriate shoes, I think. Shoes also need to have something else than laces, to make it easier to put on. Bending over can make you dizzy and also make you fall. So sensible shoes it is over fashion. If you get sensible and fashionable… Jackpot. I think pants over dresses might work better, a dress over your head can be so undignified. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

One thing that also keeps me going apart from the Lord Jesus, is my Dementia Mentors friends. I love them all so much and I know they love me too. I can’t zoom that much anymore, but when I jump in and quickly have a chat it is so wonderful.

I miss my deceased brother so very much. It feels like something has been torn off of me.

Really got to say goodbye now. God bless and talk again.

Saro (Elmarie)

Stigma

Stigma

“The negative stigma attached to issues of behavioral and mental health is the product of a long history of misunderstanding, exaggeration, and ignorance. In today’s world, many people believe that behavioral health issues, even extremely common ones like anxiety or depression, are somehow a sign of weakness.

Sensationalizing in news stories, tabloid magazines, and television shows make a point of referencing a history of mental illness in the background of a person who has committed a crime or violence. Other sources of stigma include societal factors, like the idea that asking for help is a sign of weakness, and that people who can “take care of themselves” are somehow stronger.

However, strength is not merely the measure of how much we can endure, but how we choose to deal with the problems we face.

Suffering from a behavioral health problem affects quality of life. Neurological and physiological sciences have proven that issues of behavioral health: addiction, depression, bipolar, phobias, PTSD, and more, are matters of biochemistry. With therapeutic techniques, well-managed medication, and behavioral modifications, behavioral health issues are treatable, and affected persons can live normal lives.

How can you help fight stigma?

  • Respond positively to media you encounter that works to de-stigmatize behavioral health care.
  • Respond to false statements about behavioral health conditions with truth.
  • Share your own experiences with behavioral health conditions—both your own and those of people in your life. The more exposure the general public has to a positive understanding of behavioral health, the greater their compassion will be.

If you or someone you know experiences mental health stigmas in a way that keeps them from getting care, telehealth may be a good solution. Some telehealth providers specialize in offering psychiatry and behavioral health care through online video calls. Learn more about InSight’s online psychiatry and therapy option, here.

If you are in crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, a free, 24-hour hotline at 1.800.273.8255. If your issue is an emergency, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.

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I started this blog some time ago and noow decided to post it. Please visit the blog I refed to.

Stigma has so many faces.

I will try to blog again soon.

Love and kindness

Saro (Elmarie)

My friend Omar aka Hades108

Hi there, long time since I wrote a blog, but life has been hectic. Today I want to tell about my friend Omar or Hades108. It is a story of kindness and friendship. Someone showing kindness and understanding for someone with Dementia.

I have been playing an online game for the last four years, that really provides me with a lot of fun and a lot of good friends. The game is Dawn of Titans. Now Dawn of Titans is played mostly by older people that really are children at heart. I am not going to explain the game now, but might later on write about some adventures. It is not a aim and shoot game, but strategy between alliance members

One day I found Omar in league chat asking for an active alliance. I send him a message that he is welcome to join a fun active family. To my delight he joined, as I was trying to recruit for my alliance. He was level 14 and I thought he needed training and pointers to play the game. So I started with training. Then this rascal informed me that he is a beta player. Now a beta player is someone that started playing when the game first came out. He forgot his password and could not find his account. Dang, I felt like a fool, but then I realized he hasn’t been playing for three years and as the game keeps on evolving… so he was sort of a newbie lol. Not anymore thought.

Apart for communicating in game, the players communicate or hangout in Line App. My in game name is guess what…… Yup, you’re right, Saro.

Omar lives in Jordan and I in South Africa. In March this year I had another stroke. I got a message from him, saying I better get well or he walks across Africa and I don’t want to find him at my door. Sweet munchkin, it warmed my heart so much even though I was sort of really out of it. I could not communicate or think and my left side were paralyzed at the time. I found the message when I started to recover.

He always said the nicest and kindest things to me in game and in line. The next communication we had, was when that lunatic in Australia/New Zealand (can’t remember of cause) killed all that Islamic people in the Mosque. Now I am a christian and he is of the Islamic faith, but a mosque, church or temple is a place where people feel safe. So I send him a private message saying I’m sorry for his brothers and sisters in the faith got killed.

He replied that it is okay, because they believe they go to heaven if they die in a mosque, but his heart is broken for their families. So we started talking and really became friends. Now Omar is 22 I think and I’m an old lady of 56. Omar has the most wonderful manners… his mamma raised him well. When I told him I have dementia, he said that he is talking to Saro, not Saro with dementia, but a person called Saro that is kind and good. That is the most awesome thing anyone with dementia can hear or experience. Some people think when we start forgetting or get into the later stages, it is just a shell remaining. Not true, a person is a person. Somewhere in there is still a person with a story. We had a video chat the other day and he showed me the sun going down from his house’s rooftop. It was breathtaking. Doing that was so special and he just is this nice young man.,.,. He is not perfect, I’m not perfect, but small things in life is so important. During Ramadan he texted me everyday at the same time to say hello. He told me they believe to do good things during Ramadan for other people, and I guess I was one of his gifts. Thing is, it was not just a Ramadan thing, he always am my friend and I am always his friend. I am honored to know such a kind young man.

I was thinking about what to write other than dementia. Then I decided to start writing short stories from my past and family. I think it will work?

Anyway, much love and kindness

Saro

I don’t want it!

I don’t want the strokes… I don’t want the dementia!!!!! It makes me miserable. Some days I feel courageous and other days I feel like this. I feel stupid, incompetent and useless. If my family reads or hears this, they will assure me that it is not the case, but it is how I feel.

The Bipolar does not help either. It is something that has been haunting me for practically all my life. Suicide attempts, horrible highs and then the terrible downs, where all is black with no hope. There is also the aggression. That is the worst of all. It makes me a monster. It harms me and my family equally and sometimes I think it harms me most because of the guild and sorrow.

I am on so much medication that if I take any more, I will be a slobbering fool. The medication is a mood stabilizer and the Dopaquel takes care of the aggression and insomnia. Obviously there is nothing to be done on the dementia medication wise. They gave me Memantine for 6 months, to see if it keeps the decline less, but I don’t see any and have stopped taking it. The other medication I take because it keeps me alive.

Then there is the anxiety and epilepsy…. I think I cover almost all the bases on what can go wrong in the head. Thank God I am mentally and behaviorally stable and don’t have personality or something like that problems.

I just can’t stop crying today. My husband is in a sh@t mood as well and that’s not helping. I cannot handle conflict. That simply is too much for me. I feel as if I cannot do anything anymore, which is not really true, I can still wipe my own butt so to speak. I keep on putting things away and when I or everyone else starts looking for something such a huge cloud of anxiety comes over me.

I cannot say something about my husband here, because it will not be right, I do love him though, but I think he needs help as well mentally. How to address that is beyond me. My kids are a tremendous help and comfort.

All these things is not written on my face, or scars or something. It is in my fricken head. As long as I keep my mouth shut nobody will be any the wiser. I do have a speech impairment because of the strokes and the cognitive impairment is …. as I said as long as I keep my mouth shut.

But how can I shut my mouth and not talk, because with the dementia in the later stages my speech will disappear all together.

Many people think that having dementia of whatever kind you are immediately unable to walk talk or function. It is not true. You can still have a meaningful life for many years until THAT DAY comes. Yes we need assistance and the assistance will be increasingly needed. But people are not all of a sudden this monsters that does not want to shower or whatever. Yes I feel sorry for the caregivers and I am very very grateful for what they do. They dedicate their lives to take care of their loved ones. Thing is the ME does not go away. I will always be there, even if it looks like I’m just a shell. Nobody can suddenly go from somebody to a nobody. Until the day you die, you will be a somebody with a name. I am Saro or Elmarie.

All this is breaking my heart for myself, my family and everyone that have the same conditions. But life is not fair. Nowhere is there any guarantee that life will or is moonshine and roses. If someone have cancer or some other disease everyone go and visit etc. Most of the people that I speak to that have dementia said that they have lost friends and even family. So many are lonely. I am so grateful for Dementia Mentors that introduced me to friends that are the same as me. Days like this I just want to curl up and die or something like that and no dear daughters of mine that reads my blogs you don’t have to put me on suicide watch. I will most probably recover and be on my merry way again. I am not going to re read this post so please put up with the mistakes and thank you for reading/listening, it is appreciated.

Saro

Saro

Hi there 🙂 Here I am again… Wish I could write more, but today I would like to tell you about the name Saro.

In 1994 I started a relationship with the dear Lord Jesus Christ. One day not long after the happening someone told me the following story.:

A woman went to a small town without anyone she knew knowing. Every day she would go sit quietly in a small chapel after first putting a yellow rose on the altar and said:”Lord, to You I pledge my loyalty”. She did that for a whole week and then went home. About three weeks later a friend of hers came to visit her. Her friend gave her a bouquet of seven yellow roses. Her friend said that for three weeks as she went past the flower shop, she heard a voice telling her to buy her friend seven yellow roses and tell her Jesus pledged His loyalty to her. She said she argued and said, why not red roses for the blood of Jesus or for love. But the voice was persistent. So here are your roses and Jesus says He pledge His loyalty to you. The woman started crying and told her friend about her visits to the chapel and the yellow roses.

This story really touched my heart and I would think of it all the time. One night I woke up and I saw a hand writing on my wall: SARO. I asked what it means, because I knew it was God, and he said:”For ever faithful” I fell asleep again after that. The next morning as we left the house, next to my front door was a rose bush with yellow roses on. We did not plant it, there was no indication that anyone planted it there. It had roses all year around, never needed special care. It was special. Since then, my name was Saro in my heart. No, nobody calls me Saro, they call me Elmarie. When I write something I write it as Saro, I name my pets Saro, my name in my online game is Saro.

Saro I am…. for ever faithful to my dear Lord Jesus and He to me.

Love and kindness

Saro

Kindness and DOT

Dear friend, I’ve been meaning to write about DOT kindness for a few days now, but life just got busy and I couldn’t write. So let me tell you about kindness, as the idea feels like it is fading in my mind.

A lot of kindness has been given to me by friends since I were diagnosed and before. I play an online game Dawn of Titans. I never liked to play games… really solitaire?… boring! But Dawn of Titans is a community and I have been playing for three years now. We have an app where we socialize and brag with our Titans etc. called Line. This is not a blog on the latest Titan or stats, but about my friends.

I hope they don’t mind me mentioning some of them, because we all goes by an alias. Mine is Saro of cause 🙂 Anger is our Captain, he will deny this of cause, but he is. When I told him one of the first things he said was that he will send me a message saying:” Hi Saro, my name is Anger. We are family and we love you.” I’m not going to mention everyone, otherwise I will have to write a book on Dawn of Titans or DOT as we call it.

Another one was my dearest Hades108. I think I mentioned him before. I only gave him and Anger a link to my blog. This young man told me:”Saro, I don’t talk to you as a person who is sick or a person that has dementia. I talk to you as my friend Saro, that is like a mom to me.

I shared my dementia thingy with the rest of the leaders of our alliance (the 6 of us have been playing together for about 3 years, don’t know the exact time) and they always have my back. Boy o boy, I can mess up in Line app. Miss understanding stuff, not understanding stuff, being impulsive, type nonsensical messages and post stuff in the wrong chats. Geeeezzzz and DOT can be very intense with spies and stuff hahahaha. Sometimes I have to send Anger a message and ask what they are talking about or just simply drop it. Confusion really is a bummer.

But they will always have my back or fix things. I’ve been thinking of leaving DOT, but I spend so much time in the game. Have made so many lovely friends. Never met them face to face, but they are real to me. The guys (girls not many) sometimes shares their heartaches and stuff. I so love hanging out with everyone….

Playing DOT, is one of the things that makes me happy. When my Titan Grimvald goes whoos whoos with its lightning axes and the archers swish swish with their arrows and my storm maidens trrrr trrr shooting lightning bolts with their axes all at the same time, it thrills me so. It stimulates my brain, as I need strategies. Which are faltering, but I’m still good to go for a very long time.

This is kindness shown to me by people that lives all over the world, that has never met me face to face. A big thank you to all of you, even if you might never get to read this blog.

Now I have to leave, thank you for reading.

Lots of love and kindness

Saro (Elmarie)

How to work on us

Hallo dear friend

Today I want to participate in https://beckiesmentalmess.blog prompts. I hope this url thing will lead you to Beckies blog.

I’m not aiming to write some dissertation or literary blog. I will just write from the heart. Here is the prompt:

When you first found out that you had a mental illness/disorder, what was your first reaction?  Explain, how this new revelation regarding your health affected you?

I have been diagnosed with two mental disorders/illness. The first was Bipolar Disorder. It explained what was happening to me. My first reaction was: Are people going to think I’m crazy? The effects of the ups and downs was devastating, put in aggression and I was convinced that I was crazy, never mind crazy, I was convinced that I was a monster. The effects on my family was terrible and even worse on me. Guilt, shame etc. etc and I am so not going into bipolar. I’m on so many medication now that the bipolar only shows up very mildly. My most precious pill is Dopaquel. It makes me sleep and take the aggression away.. Me and my family actually have a standing joke about it (our coping mechanism is jokes). Whenever we see a really bad person or character on one of our series, my young ladies will say: “Mum, we just take your Dopaquel away for about a week and send you over” Water is coming out my eyes again, so that is enough about bipolar.

The second was Vascular dementia. I have already blogged about this. It was coming on for almost two years before I was diagnosed. The moment the psychiatrist told me the diagnosis, in a sense I felt relieved that now at least I knew what was wrong. It also caused that everything went black for me, I could not see the “light” any future or life forward for me. When the relief of knowing what it was left, I was scared senseless. I felt out of control and scared of what is happening to me and the inevitable, which I’m still unable to say. I told my friend that my life is shortened.

I once saw an image of Snoopy and his friend sitting on a bench. The boy said: “You know we all are going to die one day?”. Snoopy replied: “Yes, but today we live”

Thank you for reading my blog

Much love and kindness

Saro

Black holes and beautiful

Hallo my dear friends.

Today is not a good day. I feel down, don’t know if it is the bipolar or the dementia. It is as if my head just don’t want to work. I’m fed up for my online game that I’m playing. One person that makes me happy today is my friend Omar or Hades108. He is such a good kid and plays with me Dawn of Titans. Or not a kid anymore I think he is 22. I think I’m getting off the topic here.

Yesterday I was doodling on my laptop and the next moment my eldest said that I promised to go make tea and bread. I had no idea what she was talking about or that I promised to do that.

I messed up with taking my medication last night and this morning I think. It gets confusing to know how and when to drink 11 different pills. So my body feels heavy, mind on strike. Just want to stay in bed.

Again off topic. Living with dementia is having black holes in our memories. As you see on the lovely photo I found and finally figured out how to get on my blog, the so called black holes is not really ugly black things. (I am not at all knowledgeable about stars and stuff.) If it is not a picture of a black hole in the galaxy, so what.

I don’t want to believe for one moment that we lose all our beautiful colors once dementia starts eating away at us. Somewhere in us we will still be who we are I desperately want to believe, if a person taking care of you can not see that, try to see the beautiful memory of us. We are still beautiful. Whether it is who we were or still is. I still love and care for others and even myself. Don’t neglect loving yourself, it is not narcissistic to just once in a while look in the mirror and say:”Hello beautiful”

Have to say goodbye now, so see you later beautiful!

Much love and kindness

Saro

About considerable

Hi there 🙂

Now what about considerable can one write about? I keep on going back to my previous blogs and try to fix spelling and whatever and noted that I keep on saying my cognitive impairment is considerable. With my last visit to the psychiatrist, she asked about my bipolar, I told her I have the worst kind. She answered that there is no such thing as the worst kind, there is only bipolar disorder.

Now reality for me is how I experience the considerable and worst kind. Every person is different. Experience things differently. See things differently. You get the big strong men and woman that recons that two broken legs and a broken arm is nothing…. my ass! There is something like honesty.

For me considerable is the knowledge what I was able to do and are not able to do anymore. Getting up in the morning, crying and refusing to go anywhere like a child is terrible. Dementia is not doing it’s part here, I’m suppose to forget that I did that. Well let me cash in on a good day. Haven’t started crying yet… It really is a good day!

I do not know anyone with dementia, so I can not compare.I don’t want to compare to be honest, it will scare the living daylights out of me I’m sure. Going through a day where everything is a hazy confusion is scaring the wax out of me. I noticed some stuff on my online game that I’m playing and wondered where it came from… Mum it was a give away from the developers.(My daughter reminding me. I must tell you stories about my online game, it’s fun)  I have no recollection of it whatsoever. That scares me.

Considerable and worst kind (I must still work up some courage to write about the bipolar) means for me that something big has been taken away from me. My memory is diminished, like a black hole here and there. My thinking process really suck and reasoning literally flew out the window. I am not in control anymore. Fear of the  unknown eats at me bones (did that sound like an accent or something like that? lol)

I am scared and there the water comes out of my eyes again. Must go now, it’s time for meds and bed again. Thank you for listening to me. I do appreciate it very much.

Much love and kindness

Saro