About suicide.

I have been thinking about suicide a lot. Some people reckon people that say they want to commit suicide or try, are just attention seekers or even worse cowards. That is not true. Anyone of that opinion has never been in that person’s shoes, circumstances or had a chemical something going wrong in the brain. Have never heard of bipolar.

When you are depressed, you just simply see no future or way out of some situation. That is the one type of depression and it very often end in a successful suicide.

Then the bipolar or chemical problem in your brain… it is like a darkness pushing over your brain. You cannot think of anything else but to be dead. You make plans. Do research on how to commit a successful suicide. You become obsessed with it.

You cannot talk about it, because suicide or your depressed chatter, just isn’t popular and no one wants to listen or gets uneasy  during any conversation about it. 

THING IS THIS. IF YOU COMMIT SUICIDE,  YOU LEAVE YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY WITH LIFELONG GRIEVE, FEELING GUILTY, NOT THAT IT WILL BE THEIR FAULT. YOU MIGHT GET YOUR WISH AND DIE, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SORROW OF THOSE THAT LOVE YOU AND CARE FOR YOU, YOU LEAVE BEHIND? GO AND SEE A DOCTOR,  TAKE YOUR MEDICATION. GET HELP IF YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES.  IF YOU TAKE MEDICATION, PLEASE DON’T STOP TAKING IT. 

As I said, this is a difficult thing to talk about. I do apologize to those I might have traumatized or made uneasy about me talking about suicide.

Here is help, please make use of it. https://www.therapyroute.com/article/suicide-hotlines-and-crisis-lines-in-south-africa

I just had a heart to heart chat with you and me. Please you matter and are precious.

I hate dementia!

It is demeaning, shameful, devastating and just bloody awful.

I don’t understand jokes or so many things said to me. I’m still on one topic then they are on another.

I can’t stop crying. What the hell am I to do? I feel like a bloody idiot. Then the other people eventually does not know how to treat you or how to speak to you. This is the proverbial WTF situation. How do you handle these things?

I don’t know. If I get depressed… it is never a good topic. You can see something is wrong, but you simply are not being told what is wrong. I’m still a mother and wife and a sister.

It’s my bloody brain that is dying off, everyone else has a good brain, so how can they not find a way to handle and talk to me so that it makes my life also better. I understand their lives are also disrupted and f up, but I did not ask or bloody deserve it.

Everyone has problems. They can go see a doctor, get medication and be fixed, but obviously sometimes people are better than other and refuse any help from people they deem not good enough.

Life is not fair. It never was and never will be. I love my family beyond anything else and always will. May God give that this dementia will end fast and spare me all the other things yet to come.

Adjusting with demantia.

Hi there. Long time no see 😁🌹 I have been busy as the above shows. I’m learning from Mark Kistler’s video’s to properly draw. It makes me happy. I still do the jewelry as well.

That is from the dearest ever Heather Boyd Wire. I so love her stuff.

Something I’m really working on, is to shut up when someone becomes fedup with my repetitive questions. I was doing something the other day and I asked my eldest, Lora 30 times in a row what the date was. She actually handled it well. The tyre only bursted a bit later that night when she were tired. I’m getting a new watch,😁.

I think slowly but surely we are finally adapting to mum’s decreasing brain abilities.

Something weird is happening. I could never do simple sums … Never ever could I literally do 3 + 2= 5. I had to count on my fingers.. now I see the sum in my head and whoops there is your answer, but I cannot count. I cannot do metacognitive or where you just start somewhere and count or backwards. I can’t see it, or figure it out. When I work on a chart with figures, I can still see patterns. That’s the weirdest thing.

My jewelry and drawing and working still with a few kids grade 1 & 2 (about 4) doing their homework is keep my brain active. I notice when a petal fell off my rose, but that’s ok. I’m happy.

I had my birthday on the 10th of march and all I wanted was a margarine tub full of candy.

Guess what, I got it. I was so happy. Sometimes it feels like I’m becoming a child again, but a happy one. My bipolar is behaving for a change. That’s a miracle in itself.

I fell about 2 days ago, something I do a lot lately. Geez my knees and hip and everything is so painful, specially at night. Somehow my left foot does not lift so  well anymore. Don’t know why… My guess tiny stroke again sometime or another. I need new and more appropriate shoes, I think. Shoes also need to have something else than laces, to make it easier to put on. Bending over can make you dizzy and also make you fall. So sensible shoes it is over fashion. If you get sensible and fashionable… Jackpot. I think pants over dresses might work better, a dress over your head can be so undignified. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

One thing that also keeps me going apart from the Lord Jesus, is my Dementia Mentors friends. I love them all so much and I know they love me too. I can’t zoom that much anymore, but when I jump in and quickly have a chat it is so wonderful.

I miss my deceased brother so very much. It feels like something has been torn off of me.

Really got to say goodbye now. God bless and talk again.

Saro (Elmarie)

The truth about seeing.

This is me, Elmarie (Saro) 55 years old.
This is also me. Age 56
Also me age 57

Why do I post pictures of myself… DO I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE THAT HAS DEMENTIA?

NO!!!! In my opinion  I don’t look like there is anything wrong with me, a bit less makeup, but still it’s not written on my face. I walk with difficulty, but my left knee needs replacement, and what they don’t realise, is that my balance is getting worse by the day.

The way it looks to me, is that my family and whomever  else is looking at me sitting in my chair either don’t,  know, don’t  realize or whatever. I try my best… ever heard of “pretend”, “faking” to make it look like NOTHING is wrong.

When I must go and do something,  say for example cook. I can’t move. In the first place what do I make? Then with what do I start first? Then I forget I was supposed to go and prepare food. Then my husband will start nagging again he is hungry. Cycle starts again. Finaly I get up and try my very best, but the tug-of-war between remember, forget and the most horrifying anxiety paralyse me. I can’t work out a plan, reason as to what to do. I’m forever SO INCREDIBLY SCARED I MAKE MISTAKES. I’m most of the time scared. People may ask, why scared… there are nothing to be scared of… YOU ARE NOT IN MY SHOES OR HAVE MY HEAD. Let’s give it the proper name. Disability…. there it is disability!

I don’t know if this post makes sense, but that’s what it is. Most probably if my family is going to read it I will be asked if I want to go to the old age home, to the psychiatrist or doctor… that scares the shit out of me.

My family keep on being irritated and disappointed… that is how I see it and experience it, when I keep on asking the same questions, forgetting the same things. If I’m depressed and say I wish I was dead, they see it as me throwing them the suicide card or whatever. What they don’t  know or realize is that I really want too. I am trying to be responsible and remember I can’t just up and out.

I FEEL SO LONELY, DESPERATE NOT KNOWING WAT TO DO.

Saro (Elmarie)

Communication and dementia

Warning: Content might be upsetting. I have started writing this when I was very depressed, but decided to post it anyway. I feel much better now. I also discovered that the pharmacy accidentally dispensed one tablet 200mg instead of 50mg as said on the box which is the correct dosage and I got 10 days behind on my hormone sticker plus my current emotional state. I hold no one accountable but myself. But I post this, if it can help someone. Always ensure that someone check your medication, even if you feel you are still able to take it on your own. Ok and here goes…..

Hi there. I think I mentioned somewhere that my friends got their affairs in order, while everything is still sort of ok. Well I thought I didn’t know how or what, but it finally came to me what I want to get in place.

Now talking about this in my house, did and still is not going down well. One thing I know for a fact is that my family will take care of me for ever, because they love me so much and me them.

Now, it isn’t just me that goes through stages and emotions about this dementia thing, they too mourn and at the moment are really angry and of cause scared. I really want to encourage them to get it out.

Another thing, I want to get through my shit as well.

Was on a zoom webinar last night with Teepa Snow… wow, she is awesome. She said to me something that makes so much sense. I want to talk about my death and stuff and all it does is freak my family out. She said she will see if she can organize something for me and my family…. God bless the internet. It is not that I just want to do these things, I have always organized things. I’m trying to do the mom thing, putting affairs in order, so that they will not have trouble along the road.

I know that it is bad for my family as well and that they suffer too and the same for me as well. I’m so depressed don’t know what do. The bipolar most probably plays his role as well.

I am just at the moment really at a very bad place. I’m crying my eyes out. All I want to do is die and get it over and done with. There are actually a few things I can do to accomplish this. Being depressed and making plans is never a good thing, believe me.

My family are so supportive and then there is dear Creeky, my very special friend from Corpus Christy, Texas, USA. and my other friends for Dementia Mentors. Always having my back, praying, sending messages and just loving me as I do love them.

I have to go now sorry, but will be back.

Much love and kindness

Saro (Elmarie)

PS: Just a reminder, I don’t edit my articles, as I cannot really see my mistakes and I want my blogging from the heart and authentic.

I don’t want it!

I don’t want the strokes… I don’t want the dementia!!!!! It makes me miserable. Some days I feel courageous and other days I feel like this. I feel stupid, incompetent and useless. If my family reads or hears this, they will assure me that it is not the case, but it is how I feel.

The Bipolar does not help either. It is something that has been haunting me for practically all my life. Suicide attempts, horrible highs and then the terrible downs, where all is black with no hope. There is also the aggression. That is the worst of all. It makes me a monster. It harms me and my family equally and sometimes I think it harms me most because of the guild and sorrow.

I am on so much medication that if I take any more, I will be a slobbering fool. The medication is a mood stabilizer and the Dopaquel takes care of the aggression and insomnia. Obviously there is nothing to be done on the dementia medication wise. They gave me Memantine for 6 months, to see if it keeps the decline less, but I don’t see any and have stopped taking it. The other medication I take because it keeps me alive.

Then there is the anxiety and epilepsy…. I think I cover almost all the bases on what can go wrong in the head. Thank God I am mentally and behaviorally stable and don’t have personality or something like that problems.

I just can’t stop crying today. My husband is in a sh@t mood as well and that’s not helping. I cannot handle conflict. That simply is too much for me. I feel as if I cannot do anything anymore, which is not really true, I can still wipe my own butt so to speak. I keep on putting things away and when I or everyone else starts looking for something such a huge cloud of anxiety comes over me.

I cannot say something about my husband here, because it will not be right, I do love him though, but I think he needs help as well mentally. How to address that is beyond me. My kids are a tremendous help and comfort.

All these things is not written on my face, or scars or something. It is in my fricken head. As long as I keep my mouth shut nobody will be any the wiser. I do have a speech impairment because of the strokes and the cognitive impairment is …. as I said as long as I keep my mouth shut.

But how can I shut my mouth and not talk, because with the dementia in the later stages my speech will disappear all together.

Many people think that having dementia of whatever kind you are immediately unable to walk talk or function. It is not true. You can still have a meaningful life for many years until THAT DAY comes. Yes we need assistance and the assistance will be increasingly needed. But people are not all of a sudden this monsters that does not want to shower or whatever. Yes I feel sorry for the caregivers and I am very very grateful for what they do. They dedicate their lives to take care of their loved ones. Thing is the ME does not go away. I will always be there, even if it looks like I’m just a shell. Nobody can suddenly go from somebody to a nobody. Until the day you die, you will be a somebody with a name. I am Saro or Elmarie.

All this is breaking my heart for myself, my family and everyone that have the same conditions. But life is not fair. Nowhere is there any guarantee that life will or is moonshine and roses. If someone have cancer or some other disease everyone go and visit etc. Most of the people that I speak to that have dementia said that they have lost friends and even family. So many are lonely. I am so grateful for Dementia Mentors that introduced me to friends that are the same as me. Days like this I just want to curl up and die or something like that and no dear daughters of mine that reads my blogs you don’t have to put me on suicide watch. I will most probably recover and be on my merry way again. I am not going to re read this post so please put up with the mistakes and thank you for reading/listening, it is appreciated.

Saro

Empty

Last night I had a 100 things I wanted to write about. Today my head just don’t seem to want to work. I guess today is not a good day. I wanted to cook today, but just couldn’t. Lora eventually did. I thought I will help, but used the wrong pot or pan, just couldn’t see or realize that a bigger pot was needed.

I read some of the reports from the neurologist and other specialists and the CT scan. Most of the things I googled, but here is some advise….. don’t read the fricken reports, it is upsetting. It is worse enough to live and try to cope with dementia than to read the clinical and emotionless reports. Expected cognitive decline, slight retardation and some other sh@t is not good to know. Yes you have to know what is happening to you, but some information is just too much. I used to be a highly functional, capable and intelligent person. I believe I still am within the parameters of the vascular dementia and the damage the strokes caused as well.

Jennifer that I met on Dementia Mentors used to be a doctor. She also have dementia, she told me that they very often call her to sit with someone that is dying of dementia and they go peaceful. Shawn another friend of mine from DM told his sister had a near death experience. She said it was so peaceful and happy and she felt so whole. She did not want to come back. God is awesome. He will never let me down I know. Jesus is my only hope and salvation, my peace and my joy.

At DM we also discussed “getting our affairs in order, while we still can” This is something I must thing about very hard. I know I will need to give my family power of attorney, my will and I want a living will as well…. have to figure that one out still. Me and hubby discussed this. I want to go to a place where they can care for me when the time comes instead of staying home. They can visit me a hundred times a day in the care facility and I can meet them a hundred times again, but I refuse letting them give up their lives caring for me when I’m bedridden or something like that. I know they want to, because they love me, but I’m not selfish. I want my kids to have their own family and life.

I think I said enough now…. Thanks for listening.

Much love and kindness

Saro

Happy finding new friends!

Hi there!

You will notice that I changed my name to Saro (Elmarie). Saro is the name under which I prefer to write or play my online game. Even my pets are named Saro. I must sometime tell you where the name Saro comes from. Last night I had my first video call on Dementia Mentors. IT WAS AWESOME!!!!! I did not want to talk to them under an alias but my real name Elmarie. So since they are lovely people also living with dementia, I put Elmarie next to Saro, so as not to confuse them and Saro for those that already got to know me as Saro.

I first talked to Truthful Loving Kindness, you can find her blog here: https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/22668891 She is assistant dementia mentors administrator. I hope I got that right. She put me at ease. Meeting new people can be a bit difficult for me lately, as I have to try and remember their names and in trying to do so, I miss the whole conversation. But I believe good news is, is that I will meet that person again and decide that the name remembering thing might not be that important as to listening to what the person have to say. Lucky thing, I already knew her name and could talk to her and listen.

We used Zoom and everybodies name was displayed by their faces. So with that sorted, we could introduce ourselves, as I was new. Finding out what kind of dementia each other have, sharing challenges, but the great thing was also how to handle the challenges. For one thing I was sitting here in my little corner believing I’m going to die tomorrow. Most of these new friends have been living with dementia for about 20 years or so. Now thinking about that again, what is better living with dementia for 20 plus years and suffer or becoming eventually a vegetable plus minus or just up and die.

But no, I don’t think “up and die” is an option. While we are still aware and can still cope, even with assistance, we can still have a full life. We can still find things that makes us happy. Things that makes us feel that we still mean something.

An absolutely awesome woman said:” to find the ability in inability” You can find her blog here. Now where did that link go?

Let me try again. https://thesecretblind.wordpress.com/author/thesecretblind/

See…. got it.

Now I have to go. Thanks for reading and have and awesome day and sweet dreams.

Loving kindness

Saro (Elmarie)