Last night I had a 100 things I wanted to write about. Today my head just don’t seem to want to work. I guess today is not a good day. I wanted to cook today, but just couldn’t. Lora eventually did. I thought I will help, but used the wrong pot or pan, just couldn’t see or realize that a bigger pot was needed.

I read some of the reports from the neurologist and other specialists and the CT scan. Most of the things I googled, but here is some advise….. don’t read the fricken reports, it is upsetting. It is worse enough to live and try to cope with dementia than to read the clinical and emotionless reports. Expected cognitive decline, slight retardation and some other sh@t is not good to know. Yes you have to know what is happening to you, but some information is just too much. I used to be a highly functional, capable and intelligent person. I believe I still am within the parameters of the vascular dementia and the damage the strokes caused as well.

Jennifer that I met on Dementia Mentors used to be a doctor. She also have dementia, she told me that they very often call her to sit with someone that is dying of dementia and they go peaceful. Shawn another friend of mine from DM told his sister had a near death experience. She said it was so peaceful and happy and she felt so whole. She did not want to come back. God is awesome. He will never let me down I know. Jesus is my only hope and salvation, my peace and my joy.

At DM we also discussed “getting our affairs in order, while we still can” This is something I must thing about very hard. I know I will need to give my family power of attorney, my will and I want a living will as well…. have to figure that one out still. Me and hubby discussed this. I want to go to a place where they can care for me when the time comes instead of staying home. They can visit me a hundred times a day in the care facility and I can meet them a hundred times again, but I refuse letting them give up their lives caring for me when I’m bedridden or something like that. I know they want to, because they love me, but I’m not selfish. I want my kids to have their own family and life.

I think I said enough now…. Thanks for listening.

Much love and kindness



9 thoughts on “Empty

  1. I am so happy you know Jesus is your hope and joy. He has brought you through so much uncertainty already and I know He will continue to guide you on your way. You may read scary reports, may have times of frustration, may think you are alone, but when these overwhelming thoughts try to get inside your mind, remember He’s with you. You also have me praying for you. You are still a very special person who is loved by so many of us… even those you haven’t met. But, someday we will meet each other. We will have a great celebration! I’ll be the one offering you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.;-)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I really admire how you are dealing with things and planning ahead for the future in regards to family. The reports only say about what is not working too well at the moment but fail to mention how awesome you really are. Much love ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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