Nothingness…

I am so fed up… and sorry I start like that, somewhere I have to vent. Last year when I saw the Neurologist, I told her my head is so empty. It is as if all or at least most of my thoughts disappeared.. “Isn’t it lovely” she said. I don’t know if I am allowed to use a bad word now and then, but WTF? Having an empty head is fine… really?

My dementia friends talk about getting their affairs in order…. I can’t even think of what affairs. You can say that I’m writing here at this moment, but I would have liked to write something, say about aliens or interesting books or just make up stories. I used to be good writing stories.

If my head is so empty, can I put some stuff back in and what stuff would I like to put in? Where did the stuff that was in my head go? And no I’m not talking about that physical stuff that is inside of my head. There are a few choice places with dead brain cells already and lots of others… actually my brain shrunk. Maybe that’s why. less brain cells to think with. BS there must be enough left to still think. Thing is that the cells that decided to depart prematurely is in very uncomfortable places, like my frontal and temporal lobes. I still remember enough about my neuro studies, to know that. I have Vascular dementia with early onset …. or whatever.

Mind you, I stopped smoking. Hope to get some more oxygen to my brain. That’s one thing to put into my brain. Worry about yesterday or tomorrow… no thank you, it’s not going into my brain/thoughts. That is not what anybody should have in their brains. It is stupid and counter productive to anybody’s life.

And there goes the nothingness. Have to say good bye for now. Hope next time is better.

Much love and kindness

Saro (Elmarie)

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