Take a breath.

Hi there. I attended two Dementia Mentors Zoom chats now, which was so awesome and comforting. One thing my friend Tru http://truthfulkindness.com/ said, was when things gets bad, just take a breath. Now at the time I just simply could not figure out why she said I should take a breath… I didn’t stop breathing, in fact I’m still breathing. I didn’t say anything, because it was one of those things I couldn’t figure out again.

Yesterday was such a lovely day, but today kind of sucks. I’m crying, my head feels sort of empty or depressed, I don’t know. I just cannot tell why I don’t feel well. I just want to sit and do nothing. I did however washed the pots and pans… not finished yet, as I decided to wash one pot at a time. I tried to pour the water out of the one pot and somehow I could not figure out which way. Sounds stupid I know and guess what… I tipped it out the wrong way and all over me and the fricken floor. I notice that I’m very impulsive, maybe that was where the tipping went wrong.

See, I think this is where the “taking a breath” comes in. Maybe I should be less harsh on my self and accept that things are going to go wrong. I just read this blog http://elaineeshbaugh.com/2019/06/17/hey-dementia-community-stop-telling-me-your-challenges-arent-a-big-deal/ Bless her lovely heart.

Take a breath, calm down and start again, I think it means. If I cannot accept myself with this disease, how am I going to make it to tomorrow? One step at a time, one day at a time or you eat an elephant one bite at a time? So many sayings for going forward.

Today, I just don’t see it and yes all these things are a big thing, not just something that can be swept under the rug. I always wondered how I’m going to die one day, but it certainly wasn’t like this. I saw some dementia patients that were already in a vegetative state. It was so upsetting. But on the other hand, I can still live another 20 years without reaching that state. These are things I sometimes or at least today think about. I have a speech impairment, but somehow I can still write. It is not poems or dissertations or essays, but here it is time for being brutally honest, whether we want to face it or not and what if I don’t write the best blog or not does not matter to me. This is a journey and things to remember, like baking muffins. This is not over thinking or thinking of dementia all the time. Somehow I have to come to terms with it.

The last few days I keep on seeing in my mind how I could easily make an entrance into a room with confidence, sit down and get down to business. Today I just cannot find it in me to get up and bake some more muffins, because Nita decided to finish hers in one day, which is a big compliment by the way.

Ok, it is time to go and wash the next pot…. one at a time, hope the floor is dry.

Much love and kindness

Saro

Happy finding new friends!

Hi there!

You will notice that I changed my name to Saro (Elmarie). Saro is the name under which I prefer to write or play my online game. Even my pets are named Saro. I must sometime tell you where the name Saro comes from. Last night I had my first video call on Dementia Mentors. IT WAS AWESOME!!!!! I did not want to talk to them under an alias but my real name Elmarie. So since they are lovely people also living with dementia, I put Elmarie next to Saro, so as not to confuse them and Saro for those that already got to know me as Saro.

I first talked to Truthful Loving Kindness, you can find her blog here: https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/22668891 She is assistant dementia mentors administrator. I hope I got that right. She put me at ease. Meeting new people can be a bit difficult for me lately, as I have to try and remember their names and in trying to do so, I miss the whole conversation. But I believe good news is, is that I will meet that person again and decide that the name remembering thing might not be that important as to listening to what the person have to say. Lucky thing, I already knew her name and could talk to her and listen.

We used Zoom and everybodies name was displayed by their faces. So with that sorted, we could introduce ourselves, as I was new. Finding out what kind of dementia each other have, sharing challenges, but the great thing was also how to handle the challenges. For one thing I was sitting here in my little corner believing I’m going to die tomorrow. Most of these new friends have been living with dementia for about 20 years or so. Now thinking about that again, what is better living with dementia for 20 plus years and suffer or becoming eventually a vegetable plus minus or just up and die.

But no, I don’t think “up and die” is an option. While we are still aware and can still cope, even with assistance, we can still have a full life. We can still find things that makes us happy. Things that makes us feel that we still mean something.

An absolutely awesome woman said:” to find the ability in inability” You can find her blog here. Now where did that link go?

Let me try again. https://thesecretblind.wordpress.com/author/thesecretblind/

See…. got it.

Now I have to go. Thanks for reading and have and awesome day and sweet dreams.

Loving kindness

Saro (Elmarie)

How to work on us

Hallo dear friend

Today I want to participate in https://beckiesmentalmess.blog prompts. I hope this url thing will lead you to Beckies blog.

I’m not aiming to write some dissertation or literary blog. I will just write from the heart. Here is the prompt:

When you first found out that you had a mental illness/disorder, what was your first reaction? Explain, how this new revelation regarding your health affected you?

I have been diagnosed with two mental disorders/illness. The first was Bipolar Disorder. It explained what was happening to me. My first reaction was: Are people going to think I’m crazy? The effects of the ups and downs was devastating, put in aggression and I was convinced that I was crazy, never mind crazy, I was convinced that I was a monster. The effects on my family was terrible and even worse on me. Guilt, shame etc. etc and I am so not going into bipolar. I’m on so many medication now that the bipolar only shows up very mildly. My most precious pill is Dopaquel. It makes me sleep and take the aggression away.. Me and my family actually have a standing joke about it (our coping mechanism is jokes). Whenever we see a really bad person or character on one of our series, my young ladies will say: “Mum, we just take your Dopaquel away for about a week and send you over” Water is coming out my eyes again, so that is enough about bipolar.

The second was Vascular dementia. I have already blogged about this. It was coming on for almost two years before I was diagnosed. The moment the psychiatrist told me the diagnosis, in a sense I felt relieved that now at least I knew what was wrong. It also caused that everything went black for me, I could not see the “light” any future or life forward for me. When the relief of knowing what it was left, I was scared senseless. I felt out of control and scared of what is happening to me and the inevitable, which I’m still unable to say. I told my friend that my life is shortened.

I once saw an image of Snoopy and his friend sitting on a bench. The boy said: “You know we all are going to die one day?”. Snoopy replied: “Yes, but today we live”

Thank you for reading my blog

Much love and kindness

Saro