I hate dementia!

It is demeaning, shameful, devastating and just bloody awful.

I don’t understand jokes or so many things said to me. I’m still on one topic then they are on another.

I can’t stop crying. What the hell am I to do? I feel like a bloody idiot. Then the other people eventually does not know how to treat you or how to speak to you. This is the proverbial WTF situation. How do you handle these things?

I don’t know. If I get depressed… it is never a good topic. You can see something is wrong, but you simply are not being told what is wrong. I’m still a mother and wife and a sister.

It’s my bloody brain that is dying off, everyone else has a good brain, so how can they not find a way to handle and talk to me so that it makes my life also better. I understand their lives are also disrupted and f up, but I did not ask or bloody deserve it.

Everyone has problems. They can go see a doctor, get medication and be fixed, but obviously sometimes people are better than other and refuse any help from people they deem not good enough.

Life is not fair. It never was and never will be. I love my family beyond anything else and always will. May God give that this dementia will end fast and spare me all the other things yet to come.

The truth about seeing.

This is me, Elmarie (Saro) 55 years old.

Why do I post pictures of myself… DO I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE THAT HAS DEMENTIA?

NO!!!! In my opinion I don’t look like there is anything wrong with me, a bit less makeup, but still it’s not written on my face. I walk with difficulty, but my left knee needs replacement, and what they don’t realise, is that my balance is getting worse by the day.

The way it looks to me, is that my family and whomever else is looking at me sitting in my chair either don’t, know, don’t realize or whatever. I try my best… ever heard of “pretend”, “faking” to make it look like NOTHING is wrong.

When I must go and do something, say for example cook. I can’t move. In the first place what do I make? Then with what do I start first? Then I forget I was supposed to go and prepare food. Then my husband will start nagging again he is hungry. Cycle starts again. Finaly I get up and try my very best, but the tug-of-war between remember, forget and the most horrifying anxiety paralyse me. I can’t work out a plan, reason as to what to do. I’m forever SO INCREDIBLY SCARED I MAKE MISTAKES. I’m most of the time scared. People may ask, why scared… there are nothing to be scared of… YOU ARE NOT IN MY SHOES OR HAVE MY HEAD. Let’s give it the proper name. Disability…. there it is disability!

I don’t know if this post makes sense, but that’s what it is. Most probably if my family is going to read it I will be asked if I want to go to the old age home, to the psychiatrist or doctor… that scares the shit out of me.

My family keep on being irritated and disappointed… that is how I see it and experience it, when I keep on asking the same questions, forgetting the same things. If I’m depressed and say I wish I was dead, they see it as me throwing them the suicide card or whatever. What they don’t know or realize is that I really want too. I am trying to be responsible and remember I can’t just up and out.

I FEEL SO LONELY, DESPERATE NOT KNOWING WAT TO DO.

Saro (Elmarie)

5 Positive things.

1. I found this comfort in the bible.

For this reason we never become discouraged. Even though our physical being is gradually decaying, yet our spiritual being is renewed day after day. And this small and temporary trouble we suffer will bring us a tremendous and eternal glory, much greater than the trouble. For we fix our attention, not on things that are seen, but on things that are unseen. What can be seen lasts only for a time, but what cannot be seen lasts for ever.
2 Corinthians 4:16‭-‬18 GNB
https://bible.com/bible/296/2co.4.16-18.GNB

2. The smell of the food my kids are preparing is awesome.

3. I really enjoyed the sun on me and the beauty around me while hanging the washing outside. We live on a farm.

4. First day of holiday, I don’t have to rush.

5. I’m really grateful that I’m healthy in spite of the dementia.

Now your turn😁🌹

Much love and kindness.

Saro (Elmarie)

Five things to be grateful for 1.

I woke up today.

Stroked a bunny after feeding him.

My youngest is coming home.

Holiday is starting today.

I had such fun with my Dementia Mentors friends last night.

Ok, I am going to try and do this every day. Counting my blessings. I challenge you to do the same. If you decide to do the same, post a link back to this post and use the red rose, thank you.

Much love and kindness.

Saro (Elmarie)

The seeking kind.

There are one type of dementia that I have not heard of, but secretly knows about. The seeking kind.

Now the thing is like that. I always carry a handbag. Not just a handbag, but the biggest one you can find. My husband recon I don’t need anything for self defense since I just need to hit someone over the head and that will be the end of any person with evil intentions.

There are however many treasures in it. Hand cream… never used. Hand sanitizer that my youngest young lady deposited in my bag, just for in case I touch something that can go viral. Never used, but it smells great. Wet wipes, but I am so not telling why I need wet wipes. It is part of a small kit my young ladies assembled for me that I have to carry everywhere I go.

A blue carpet knife. My family said I need self defense. The blade seems a bit short and it is lying right at the bottom of my huge handbag, not going to work. How do I tell a robber or evil person to hang on for a minute, I need to find my carpet knife to re arrange his face or fingers or something like that. But let me leave the knife in the bag, I just may need it.

My cellphones. One for use, quite a nice one, Huawei P20 lite. Hmmm I heard Huawei is having some troubles, but my dear head have enough troubles to worry about that one. Then my Dawn of Titans machine, the online game that I’m playing. Some chargers, earphone for just in case. The DOT machine should stay at home, because it does not have wifi or data outside of the house.

Looooong list. Then my darling Boelie, Boerboel likes to stash his hooves and toys also in my handbag.

Then the really sneaky thing, sometimes I need to place stuff in a place, so that I can find it quickly again. It lands up in my handbag. So my family find many things in my handbag. Whenever I start searching, anxiety takes hold of me. You are not going to believe all the things I find in my handbag, specially trouble as well when it is discovered that I stached something away in my bag.

Now my youngest decided to sort me out. She gave me a new bag to use, bigger than the previous one. Sorted everything beautifully and with a plan. Now I really cannot find anything, but the main thing is, my stuff for my Aftercare Centre is in there and that stuff I can find. Then I stole my husbands new bag, also given to him by my youngest and I re purposed it to put my other stuff in. Not going to give a list of that. Now am the proud owner of two bags full of treasures of the most important stuff any person may need.

So now you know about the seeking kind of dementia.

Thanks for reading.

Much love and kindness

Saro