About suicide.

I have been thinking about suicide a lot. Some people reckon people that say they want to commit suicide or try, are just attention seekers or even worse cowards. That is not true. Anyone of that opinion has never been in that person’s shoes, circumstances or had a chemical something going wrong in the brain. Have never heard of bipolar.

When you are depressed, you just simply see no future or way out of some situation. That is the one type of depression and it very often end in a successful suicide.

Then the bipolar or chemical problem in your brain… it is like a darkness pushing over your brain. You cannot think of anything else but to be dead. You make plans. Do research on how to commit a successful suicide. You become obsessed with it.

You cannot talk about it, because suicide or your depressed chatter, just isn’t popular and no one wants to listen or gets uneasy during any conversation about it.

THING IS THIS. IF YOU COMMIT SUICIDE, YOU LEAVE YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY WITH LIFELONG GRIEVE, FEELING GUILTY, NOT THAT IT WILL BE THEIR FAULT. YOU MIGHT GET YOUR WISH AND DIE, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SORROW OF THOSE THAT LOVE YOU AND CARE FOR YOU, YOU LEAVE BEHIND? GO AND SEE A DOCTOR, TAKE YOUR MEDICATION. GET HELP IF YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES. IF YOU TAKE MEDICATION, PLEASE DON’T STOP TAKING IT.

As I said, this is a difficult thing to talk about. I do apologize to those I might have traumatized or made uneasy about me talking about suicide.

Here is help, please make use of it. https://www.therapyroute.com/article/suicide-hotlines-and-crisis-lines-in-south-africa

I just had a heart to heart chat with you and me. Please you matter and are precious.

5 things that I liked today.

Sheesshhhh this thing updated again and I will have to figure stuff out again…. will have to go without the rose today, but here goes:

1. My friend of many years from my game Dawn of Titans visited my blog…. hi Matgear 😁 It really made me happy. I’ve been neglecting my game lately and he promised to spam comment my blog unless I up my game. I did go in and stole or cap a few lands from Hugsforfree alliance.

2. Putting up the extra chicken coop was much easier today.

3. Again my dog Boelie. The two of us was sitting quite peaceful, when he jumped up and ran to the back door and gave crying sounds. I jumped up immediately and saw it was the neighbour’s dog pressing his nose hungrily against the chicken coop. I opened the door for him and like Flash and Superman combined, he stormed out and took care of the villian. Then he came back and peed on the two bunny cages and where the chickens was…. whatch out you villian, this is my territory and family. Mommies guard dog. Huge Bullmastife.

4. I finally made that oven baked veggies. It was jummy.

5. My husband send me a funny video of a woman starting her husband up like a Lister engine to mop the floor. My husband always always says he is going to start me up like a Lister engine when I’m lethargic. It is our private joke… can’t believe when he found it on facebook.

I did it. 5 things positive….. go try it, it works.

Much love and kindness

Saro

Vascular dementia and communication challenges.

It is my intention with this blog to be brutally honest. It concerns my feelings, happenings etc. Some of my perceptions is not necessarily the truth, but it is how it feels to me. Fear of the unknown is absolutely devastating.

I had a very traumatic experience the other day, had to go for a colonoscopy. In the first place they had to puncture me 8 times to get a vein. Not the doctor’s fault I think, but what was terrible, was that I was most of the time not sedated. It was painful and just terrible. My confusion etc. increased after that, as is my memory and my sense of date, day, time and year is gone. I keep on getting it wrong and when I try to figure it out, it is as if there is just this big black hole.

My brother and his beautiful wife, whom I will meet really for the first time, the other time was with my mother’s funeral. I am so happy they are coming for a visit, but on the other side, it freaks met out. In the past I could say:”Ok, this and that and ten other things is what needs to be done, etc.” Now I cannot think of one thing to make for dinner, where are they going to sleep… It is just one big irrational fear inside of me. I feel out of control. I don’t have control over anything anymore… It scares me… (Note to self… (geez girl, you been such a control freak?)

Sometimes it feels so lonely, even though I have my family with me. They love me to kingdom and back. I find it increasingly difficult to communicate. To have a conversation and also I think people don’t want to hear about dementia all the time. I can talk about God… recite the bible. Talk about history, European, Egyptian or Russian or Vikings, lots of things, but then not many people go past recipes, gossip, their kids and sport. So by the way, I’m so happy the Springbucks won the rugby world cup. I never watch sport, but that I watched and I remembered the two other times we won. It is as if there is this barrier or nothingness when I try to tell or communicate something to someone else. The other thing is the words. Everyday sayings, hello how are you, fine thank you, hows the kids… no problem, but try to use or remember bigger words or have a conversation…. That kite just don’t fly anymore. Then when people see you… Oh wonderful, you look so good. O yeah I’m fine thanks dear… who the hell is this female……????

I am amazed that I can still write like this… hope it is not too bad. I forget to write my blog. I forgot to play my online game Dawn of Titans for a week… goodness, I’m suppose to be addicted to it. I will continue to write and I hope it will be for years.

Anyways, got to go.

Much love and kindness.

Saro (Elmarie)