Adjusting with demantia.

Hi there. Long time no see 😁🌹 I have been busy as the above shows. I’m learning from Mark Kistler’s video’s to properly draw. It makes me happy. I still do the jewelry as well.

That is from the dearest ever Heather Boyd Wire. I so love her stuff.

Something I’m really working on, is to shut up when someone becomes fedup with my repetitive questions. I was doing something the other day and I asked my eldest, Lora 30 times in a row what the date was. She actually handled it well. The tyre only bursted a bit later that night when she were tired. I’m getting a new watch,😁.

I think slowly but surely we are finally adapting to mum’s decreasing brain abilities.

Something weird is happening. I could never do simple sums … Never ever could I literally do 3 + 2= 5. I had to count on my fingers.. now I see the sum in my head and whoops there is your answer, but I cannot count. I cannot do metacognitive or where you just start somewhere and count or backwards. I can’t see it, or figure it out. When I work on a chart with figures, I can still see patterns. That’s the weirdest thing.

My jewelry and drawing and working still with a few kids grade 1 & 2 (about 4) doing their homework is keep my brain active. I notice when a petal fell off my rose, but that’s ok. I’m happy.

I had my birthday on the 10th of march and all I wanted was a margarine tub full of candy.

Guess what, I got it. I was so happy. Sometimes it feels like I’m becoming a child again, but a happy one. My bipolar is behaving for a change. That’s a miracle in itself.

I fell about 2 days ago, something I do a lot lately. Geez my knees and hip and everything is so painful, specially at night. Somehow my left foot does not lift so  well anymore. Don’t know why… My guess tiny stroke again sometime or another. I need new and more appropriate shoes, I think. Shoes also need to have something else than laces, to make it easier to put on. Bending over can make you dizzy and also make you fall. So sensible shoes it is over fashion. If you get sensible and fashionable… Jackpot. I think pants over dresses might work better, a dress over your head can be so undignified. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

One thing that also keeps me going apart from the Lord Jesus, is my Dementia Mentors friends. I love them all so much and I know they love me too. I can’t zoom that much anymore, but when I jump in and quickly have a chat it is so wonderful.

I miss my deceased brother so very much. It feels like something has been torn off of me.

Really got to say goodbye now. God bless and talk again.

Saro (Elmarie)

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End of year… balistic!

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This is my head, mood, emotions and and and and!!!! This is no new news to any person… human being on planet earth, except for those idiots that recon COVID 19  is some sort of alien conspiracy and putting the rest of planet earth’s population in danger of dying and dying themselves by the loads full.

I’m tired and angry. I had enough. What else can I add that starts with “I”.

I’m tired of being scared, lonely, frustrated, desperate and plain angry. How could a whole year be so horrific? 2020 is…. I lack the propper words for a suitable comparison.

I think I have just repeated myself more in a few sentences than in my entire blog.

The masks is choking a person.  If you have a wet sneeze it’s snot all over your face and particularly bad if you wear one of those see threw plastic masks that covers your entire face… I leave that to your imagination. Next one a burp after a particular garlicky meal and someone said if you smoke, it can become really stuffy.

Another thing about masks, I battle to recognize people or properly understand them if voices are so muffled. You cannot see if someone smile. The world turned into one huge unfriendly place.

You can zoom and socialise like that, but that is no real touch and a presence that only two or more bodies can create in a room.

Everything changed. Well you can say “new normal” until you are blue in the face, I can’t even figure out my phone when it updates, so how do I do “new normal” when the dementia is already doing a daily “new normal” number on me. How the F do I handle this?

I feel unable to move from my chair and do the things I like or have too. I do look forward to the kids I tutor 4 days a week, but that’s another angry story. Everything is just too much for me. I stoped smoking going for 2 years now, because of the vascular dementia, but my husband insists to choose his pipe over his family and the secondhand smoke is depriving me more and more of oxygen and my brain just happily dies off more and more.

I’m fed up for comfort eating the same stuff every day, I want something else to eat. Although, I think the reality here is that I want Corona and everything just to go away. Is someone just going to draw a line on Old years eve and we step over it into 2021 and everything will be ok again???? I think not.

If you think I should change this topic or are fed up because everyone is talking or writing about Corona… suck it up and bugger off. Go read something else.

I’m lonely. When I got my diagnosis, I chose to withdraw myself, but now I want human company and interaction, not counting kids.

Another thing…. “end of year” always has it’s own problems. You miss people you lost and don’t have with you anymore over the so called “festive season”. This time is marked by suicides, many of them young people.  Depression after losing your job or business in this year. Bad thing about being depressed… it is not very acceptable or fashionable to even just mention that you are depressed or have an intense desire to end your life. You just don’t do that.

I think I said enough for now. Don’t know if I made any sense at all… but that’s it for now.

Saro (Elmarie)

Missing time.

I decided to blog on my phone as well, as the things I want to say dissappear.

One thing lately, is that time dissappear. I don’t know where it goes. Also someone will tell me something or my family is talking, it is as if the first part of the sentence dissappear. I continually have to ask to start from the beginning again.

The other thing is, it feels sometimes if there is someone else in me… No I don’t have that multiple personality thingy. Sometimes it feels as if I expect too much from my family to handle this vascular dementia. It feels as if I just want to curl up inside of me and die, so that none of us have to go through a prolonged suffering on both sides. (no I’m not suicidal)

Thing is, it is not that we expect everyone to be at our back and call. It is the disease that causes an inability and even not knowing about stuff.

We will always love our families and caregivers, we will always be grateful. Sometimes it might not be evident, but it is there on the inside of us. We lose our abilities, not ourselves.

My family I know will always love me and take care of me and whatever I can do for them, I will. I have read posts of caregivers that said how they hate those they take care of and wish they die… That is horrible, but I believe those caregivers were rotten even before. It is fine to vent and my eldest daughter also blog to vent, it is heart breaking, but I’m glad to be able to know how she feels and she is never nasty.

If a way can be found how caregiver and LO can work together all will be well I believe. There are cases I read about where the LO becomes a danger, but they can be taken care of… Don’t know about that stuff. There are many videos to be watched, for instance from Teepa Snow and Jennifer Bute and Dementia Mentors etc.

Got to go, much love and kindness.

Saro (Elmarie)

Adapting to change.

Hi everyone.😊 Me and my eldest had a fight today. I suppose it’s my fault.

I feel guilty because of the stuff I can’t do anymore. But thing is, I did not ask for this dementia thing and it’s not my fault.

My house was running very smoothly up to some time ago. Everyone had his task and responsibility. Each were allotted that which they liked. So smooth running.

Now we have to adapt and I notice, that it is not that easy. Well adapting in itself is a difficult thing

I tried to make food today and halfway I suddenly felt heavy, sleepy…. As if I couldn’t move or think. It happens often now. I’ve been advised by my Dementia mentors friends, that I should go sleep, but I couldn’t. Lora actually came home to pay the bills, which I can’t do anymore. She eventually finished the cooking, for which I’m grateful.

We will have to adapt somehow. I mentioned many times how my heart is broken for me and my family. I suppose I will need to let each one come to terms with it on their own. It still is a painful thing for my family to discuss.

We have always stood together, face the problem and fought it together or found a solution. We always came through the toughest times and situations. This is no different. We have before and we always will, because we don’t have to do it on our own or own power. God is with us, have been and always will be…. and that is enough.

Much love and kindness.

Saro