Positive

Positive. See, I just started my blog positive. It is a desperate wish of mine to start or write today’s blog positive…. NO man! not positive for COVID-19…! Positive in attitude, thoughts, any other suggestions?

Everything feels so negative. I have no contact with the outside world… wait!!!! My Zoom buddies. O dear, we can be so funny, but I notice that we find it more and more difficult to keep the conversation light and funny. All of us…. for those that don’t know, have some form of Dementia and are early onset. We understand each other and even though the contact is virtual…. we figured Zoom out plus minus before the rest of the world, I would like to think lol.

What I wanted to say is, that we actually are a close family, even though some of us are really live across the pond. The two from England Peter and Andrew are on their worst behavior. Andrew just tested positive for COVID-19 and Peter is in hospital, being tested. Now I worry my self in a spin. They are important to me, all of them are important to me and I guess we are all important to each other. I love all of my Dementia Mentor friends so much. Creeky takes me to the beach on Sundays in Corpus Christi Texas. Ok… we chat on Messenger and she show me the beach and sea and birds flying over. Just got to love the girl with that nice bottle red hair of hers.

In the beginning of the lock down thing and start of the virus, I was concerned, then it escalated to worried, then anxious and then plain scared. Now I just feel numb, don’t feel like doing anything. The dishes in the kitchen is singing:” Tomorrow, tomorrow… tomorrow” In a lovely falsetto tone. And me…. just bugger off Okay!!!!!!! Imagine the dishes and pots etc, forming a line and starts a march across the field, past the cows, waving at the crows, saying hello to the sheep or something like that. Or I just might… Okay am definitely digging up my firm believe of fairies. Fairies whose sole purpose is to make me comfortable and then clean the house, do the dishes and I can supply them with a nice menu. A girl can dream or what lol.

Got to go, our President want’s to talk to us…. God save the Queen…. no… that the Brits!

Good night, Good morning and Good afternoon dear friends and family and now, I did not drink, it is against the law here in South Africa.

Saro (Elmarie)

Funny… where???

Hmmmm this being brutally honest can become a bit ouch. Talked to a friend yesterday, that said that she don’t want to talk about sad things all the time. She want to have fun and laugh. It was the first time we talked one on one, usually we are part of a group chat.

I think I lost my funny somewhere, or didn’t. I’m so intense busy with dementia and dying and such stuff, that I forgot funny. I forgot to live and enjoy stuff. It is as if my mouth is saying one thing, but my heart and head are on another chapter. How to get out? How do I find my funny again. I used to be the funniest person ever and could find humor in everything.

Or what if I am having fun here and there and forgot about it? Twice now someone told me that I said something and I have absolutely no recollection of it. It is just not there.

How do I stop being scared and accept or get used to the inevitable. My grandma had vascular dementia. But I was not much there to see or experience it. My aunt, bless her beautiful soul, took care of her.

Sometimes it feels as if it is I, me and myself. I have never been a selfish person or an I, me and myself person. What stages does a person goes through when they get their diagnosis. No matter what illness. “Sorry dear, go get your stuff in order. You are going to forget your family and everyone and then you are going to die. Yes sorry dear, but Vascular dementia is terminal”

Just went to the bathroom and had an epiphany…. sometimes I get the best ideas there. Sorry if it is too much information. My head really are screwed. With the bipolar, I desperately want to take my own life and die and with the Vascular dementia I am going to die and don’t want to die. Geezzzzz how does that sound… you should see my face now… wanted to write: as if I smelled a fart…. but, oh well there goes.

This blog writing thing does something for a person. It actually helps me think and see things for how it is or not. I really hope that this musings of me help some caregiver to understand or another person with some sort of dementia to understand that they are not alone.

Got to go to bed now. Meds are almost kicking in.

Much love and kindness

Saro (Elmarie)

Tumeric and 8 months.

Now for the fun stories I remember! This one is about my youngest Nita and a container full of turmeric or actually my homemade curry mix.

Now I was on the telephone chatting away with a friend of mine, when it happened. SILENCE!!!! Now every mother should know that when your kids are quiet, they are busy with that being naughty thing. Nod your head if you know what I’m talking about.

Saying bye, I put down the phone and went searching. O, dear! I found Nita sitting in front of the bookshelf tearing out pages of my favorite books, but that was nothing, believe me. Apart from tearing out pages the little face looking up smiling was covered in curry. Yellow from top to toe.

Now in those days being naughty received a whack or two on the bum. I just couldn’t. I ran to the bedroom, covered my face with a pillow and laughed and laughed and laughed. It took some time to recover.

I went back, dusted the little nugget’s bum with a slight wack or two and pulled her through the bath.

End of story????? When dressed again she put her arms around my neck and slobbered me with kisses all over my face. What a wonderful gift kids can be. Today she is 26 years old and the sweetest loving munchkin I know, still hugging and kissing.

This is my loving memory for my family for today.

Much love and kindness

Saro (Elmarie)