Take a breath.

Photo from Mountcarmelplaceofprayer.com

Hi there. I attended two Dementia Mentors Zoom chats now, which was so awesome and comforting. One thing my friend Tru http://truthfulkindness.com/ said, was when things gets bad, just take a breath. Now at the time I just simply could not figure out why she said I should take a breath… I didn’t stop breathing, in fact I’m still breathing. I didn’t say anything, because it was one of those things I couldn’t figure out again.

Yesterday was such a lovely day, but today kind of sucks. I’m crying, my head feels sort of empty or depressed, I don’t know. I just cannot tell why I don’t feel well. I just want to sit and do nothing. I did however washed the pots and pans… not finished yet, as I decided to wash one pot at a time. I tried to pour the water out of the one pot and somehow I could not figure out which way. Sounds stupid I know and guess what… I tipped it out the wrong way and all over me and the fricken floor. I notice that I’m very impulsive, maybe that was where the tipping went wrong.

See, I think this is where the “taking a breath” comes in. Maybe I should be less harsh on my self and accept that things are going to go wrong. I just read this blog http://elaineeshbaugh.com/2019/06/17/hey-dementia-community-stop-telling-me-your-challenges-arent-a-big-deal/ Bless her lovely heart.

Take a breath, calm down and start again, I think it means. If I cannot accept myself with this disease, how am I going to make it to tomorrow? One step at a time, one day at a time or you eat an elephant one bite at a time? So many sayings for going forward.

Today, I just don’t see it and yes all these things are a big thing, not just something that can be swept under the rug. I always wondered how I’m going to die one day, but it certainly wasn’t like this. I saw some dementia patients that were already in a vegetative state. It was so upsetting. But on the other hand, I can still live another 20 years without reaching that state. These are things I sometimes or at least today think about. I have a speech impairment, but somehow I can still write. It is not poems or dissertations or essays, but here it is time for being brutally honest, whether we want to face it or not and what if I don’t write the best blog or not does not matter to me. This is a journey and things to remember, like baking muffins. This is not over thinking or thinking of dementia all the time. Somehow I have to come to terms with it.

The last few days I keep on seeing in my mind how I could easily make an entrance into a room with confidence, sit down and get down to business. Today I just cannot find it in me to get up and bake some more muffins, because Nita decided to finish hers in one day, which is a big compliment by the way.

Ok, it is time to go and wash the next pot…. one at a time, hope the floor is dry.

Much love and kindness


About considerable

Hi there 🙂

Now what about considerable can one write about? I keep on going back to my previous blogs and try to fix spelling and whatever and noted that I keep on saying my cognitive impairment is considerable. With my last visit to the psychiatrist, she asked about my bipolar, I told her I have the worst kind. She answered that there is no such thing as the worst kind, there is only bipolar disorder.

Now reality for me is how I experience the considerable and worst kind. Every person is different. Experience things differently. See things differently. You get the big strong men and woman that recons that two broken legs and a broken arm is nothing…. my ass! There is something like honesty.

For me considerable is the knowledge what I was able to do and are not able to do anymore. Getting up in the morning, crying and refusing to go anywhere like a child is terrible. Dementia is not doing it’s part here, I’m suppose to forget that I did that. Well let me cash in on a good day. Haven’t started crying yet… It really is a good day!

I do not know anyone with dementia, so I can not compare.I don’t want to compare to be honest, it will scare the living daylights out of me I’m sure. Going through a day where everything is a hazy confusion is scaring the wax out of me. I noticed some stuff on my online game that I’m playing and wondered where it came from… Mum it was a give away from the developers.(My daughter reminding me. I must tell you stories about my online game, it’s fun)  I have no recollection of it whatsoever. That scares me.

Considerable and worst kind (I must still work up some courage to write about the bipolar) means for me that something big has been taken away from me. My memory is diminished, like a black hole here and there. My thinking process really suck and reasoning literally flew out the window. I am not in control anymore. Fear of the  unknown eats at me bones (did that sound like an accent or something like that? lol)

I am scared and there the water comes out of my eyes again. Must go now, it’s time for meds and bed again. Thank you for listening to me. I do appreciate it very much.

Much love and kindness