The truth about seeing.

This is me, Elmarie (Saro) 55 years old.

Why do I post pictures of myself… DO I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE THAT HAS DEMENTIA?

NO!!!! In my opinion I don’t look like there is anything wrong with me, a bit less makeup, but still it’s not written on my face. I walk with difficulty, but my left knee needs replacement, and what they don’t realise, is that my balance is getting worse by the day.

The way it looks to me, is that my family and whomever else is looking at me sitting in my chair either don’t, know, don’t realize or whatever. I try my best… ever heard of “pretend”, “faking” to make it look like NOTHING is wrong.

When I must go and do something, say for example cook. I can’t move. In the first place what do I make? Then with what do I start first? Then I forget I was supposed to go and prepare food. Then my husband will start nagging again he is hungry. Cycle starts again. Finaly I get up and try my very best, but the tug-of-war between remember, forget and the most horrifying anxiety paralyse me. I can’t work out a plan, reason as to what to do. I’m forever SO INCREDIBLY SCARED I MAKE MISTAKES. I’m most of the time scared. People may ask, why scared… there are nothing to be scared of… YOU ARE NOT IN MY SHOES OR HAVE MY HEAD. Let’s give it the proper name. Disability…. there it is disability!

I don’t know if this post makes sense, but that’s what it is. Most probably if my family is going to read it I will be asked if I want to go to the old age home, to the psychiatrist or doctor… that scares the shit out of me.

My family keep on being irritated and disappointed… that is how I see it and experience it, when I keep on asking the same questions, forgetting the same things. If I’m depressed and say I wish I was dead, they see it as me throwing them the suicide card or whatever. What they don’t know or realize is that I really want too. I am trying to be responsible and remember I can’t just up and out.

I FEEL SO LONELY, DESPERATE NOT KNOWING WAT TO DO.

Saro (Elmarie)

Day 6 of lock down.

Titles is getting boring….

Hi, it is day 6 of our total lock down. Thus far my intention to write, play game and jewelry is successful. My friend Marian visited and we made cinnamon and sugar pancakes. She told me to make the batter. I think her intention was to let me feel I can still do somethings myself. Thing is, I could not understand the recipe. I could not understand the measurements. It is so strange, my brain just refused to make sense of it. I ended up putting a quarter cup vinegar in, very happy that I did not have to battle to get the liquid in a tablespoon and make a mess. Eventually I started crying and she took over. All you could taste was vinegar. She did not know about the vinegar measurement that I was so relieved about. Well it did not taste that bad and we finished the lot.I just made myself some chicken livers and that was a success, what a relieve and pleasure to my taste buds.

That was only one of my boo boo’s today. We had our Dementia Mentors Zoom and one guy Cecil made a quilt. That’s a story for another day, but thing is, he is so funny. He has the most wonderful sense of humor. He makes me laugh and he truly makes me happy. Well he made another joke and I insisted to give them the word in Afrikaans for a really funny guy. Grapgat. I translated it to Joker asshole. I saw everybody just looked at me and I tried again…. a big hole of jokes. But I told him, he makes me laugh and happy. He actually cried. Afterwards we talked on Messenger and I apologized. He then told me it is a word you cannot translate that belong to a certain part of a country and came up with the words a “well of jokes”. Well that is accurate and really sounds better. This guy speak I don’t know how many languages, so he could figure it out.

Got to go, sleep time and my meds is busy kicking in.

Lots of love and kindness

Saro (Elmarie)

Day 4 of lock down.

Hi guys and girls, it is out fourth day of COVID-19 lock down. Many lovely positive things happened today, so no complaints over here.

My dearest friend Marian had her 49th birthday today and I made her a lovely little basket and lid from newspaper. She was really happy with it. She also brought us some frozen chickens and offer to to buy some necessities, so that my husband and I don’t have to be exposed. We decided to wait another 2 days, as the government old age payments were today and there would have been a lot of people. Also, she can get the stuff we need close to us, that is not that much visited by people. That’s really awesome of her.

One thing though…. my husband and his pipe smoking or smoking in general is killing me. I stopped 6 months ago. The pipe smoke gives me a headache and makes me nauseous. Tomorrow, I’m wearing a bandana or scarf around my face. I love him very much, but this is really getting too much.

Another good thing that happened was that I decided to make a Whatsapp group to keep in touch with my 3 brothers. They all thought it to be a good idea and it makes me happy, although I stated it is to chat and not to be spammed with stupid pictures …. those that some people spam your phone with mornings and nights.

I must admit that this pandemic is raising my anxiety to new levels. I do however try to just avoid negative things and search out positive things. Share the amount of people that recovered after having the virus, instead of how many are now infected or died. We have to live in confined spaces for quite some time, so we must take measures to avoid depression. Also, get closer to God, he never leaves us. He is not the one that send this, He is the one that heals. God is in the healing business not killing. His love for us is infinite and far more than we can ever imagine.

Have to go now. Hope and pray that all of you stay safe and are well.

lots of love and kindness

Saro (Elmarie)