Category: Covid 19

To change or to adapt…

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I have a new old hand me down grateful laptop. Yay, now maybe I can write agein.

Before I carry on with my pitty party or whatever, here is something very very sad. My eldest and I suspect my youngest as well, feel they have to change who they are or how they express themselves. That they cannot be anymore who they are, because it causes my husband, that is pushing for 70 and I suspect also have some sort or dementia, to be agressive and makes me unhappy or crying. They don’t understand that they don’t have to change who they are, but must adapt to the current situation as it happens. I have a brain disease and my husband is not the young 21 anymore, so you with the good still functioning brain will have to adapt. Hopefully while gaining all the information that you need to handle the situation, so not to become frustrated and unhappy. Use Google. I think only God knows more than Google.

My husband (he is a good and kind man and I love him very much) deffinately does not think rational or logical anymore and with the dementia, I have my own problems with communication. The eldest says she talks “vehemently”, now that’s a strong word. The other day she said she is enthusiastic and gets excited, so her voice raises and vocabulary is in line with that, which is fine and better than the word vehemently. I also get excited etc., but my perception of face expression, tone of voice etc.,simply does not compute correctly to my brain sometimes anymore. Also confusion and lack of memory…. She says that she feels it is harming us. It is NOT true. My husband does not listen to anyone or shutup and listen until the other person finished their story. He reacts with aggression to anything from the start, even before he listened what anyone said.

I realize…. maybe am the only one that realizes it, is that he cannot hear when more than one person talks at the same time. See, the man is deaf and that the fricken hearing aid is causing a lot of problems. Somehow the hearing aid is not giving through our voices correctly. Bummer…. would like to step on it, but being stone cold deaf will be the end of him. The only thing keeping him alive or whatever, is his music. I can’t even imagine that, it will be so unthinkably terrible.

Now the youngest has this problem that everyone, specifically my husband is always telling her to shut-up and that she never has a say in anything. Misconception…. she starts talking by interrupting and then husband can’t hear, he tell her to wait or shut up, then she reacts aggressive and speaks to him in a manner I NEVER would have talked to my parents, even my abusive mother.

My husband does not love himself… his body and whatever, not going to ask him and get into that, he have to sort that out, I can’t do that for him. (my daughters also does not love them selves or eccept themselves for the absolutely amazing and good people they are) So he is negative, listens to people that promotes and preaches poison all day on the internet and sad to say have this humour that a woman always don’t like the husband or that the husband is always in trouble with the wife. That is a preconcieved lie from the devil. He just never accepts that we or anyone can have a different oppinion than he as well.

Many problems starts off with inaccurate preconceived ideas and believes that are piling up in our unconsious, through a few bad experiences and mostly through the mass media that we are bombarded with in this day and age. There are so many gullible people that just swallow what they are being fed… then they send all those scams and incorrect information on to other gullable, stupid, uninformed and uneducated people. A few examples…. about races, covid 19, vaccination, or what ever the trend of the day is.

Oh well, let me stop here, can’t remember the other hundred things I wanted to say. Must admit, I edited this and am amazed at the words that I used. There is nothing like a good night’s sleep and enought hydration for dementia.. The night before I did not sleep at all and were a zombie the whole day long. Anyways, have a lovely day..

Lots of love and kindness.

Elmarie (Saro)

End of year… balistic!

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This is my head, mood, emotions and and and and!!!! This is no new news to any person… human being on planet earth, except for those idiots that recon COVID 19  is some sort of alien conspiracy and putting the rest of planet earth’s population in danger of dying and dying themselves by the loads full.

I’m tired and angry. I had enough. What else can I add that starts with “I”.

I’m tired of being scared, lonely, frustrated, desperate and plain angry. How could a whole year be so horrific? 2020 is…. I lack the propper words for a suitable comparison.

I think I have just repeated myself more in a few sentences than in my entire blog.

The masks is choking a person.  If you have a wet sneeze it’s snot all over your face and particularly bad if you wear one of those see threw plastic masks that covers your entire face… I leave that to your imagination. Next one a burp after a particular garlicky meal and someone said if you smoke, it can become really stuffy.

Another thing about masks, I battle to recognize people or properly understand them if voices are so muffled. You cannot see if someone smile. The world turned into one huge unfriendly place.

You can zoom and socialise like that, but that is no real touch and a presence that only two or more bodies can create in a room.

Everything changed. Well you can say “new normal” until you are blue in the face, I can’t even figure out my phone when it updates, so how do I do “new normal” when the dementia is already doing a daily “new normal” number on me. How the F do I handle this?

I feel unable to move from my chair and do the things I like or have too. I do look forward to the kids I tutor 4 days a week, but that’s another angry story. Everything is just too much for me. I stoped smoking going for 2 years now, because of the vascular dementia, but my husband insists to choose his pipe over his family and the secondhand smoke is depriving me more and more of oxygen and my brain just happily dies off more and more.

I’m fed up for comfort eating the same stuff every day, I want something else to eat. Although, I think the reality here is that I want Corona and everything just to go away. Is someone just going to draw a line on Old years eve and we step over it into 2021 and everything will be ok again???? I think not.

If you think I should change this topic or are fed up because everyone is talking or writing about Corona… suck it up and bugger off. Go read something else.

I’m lonely. When I got my diagnosis, I chose to withdraw myself, but now I want human company and interaction, not counting kids.

Another thing…. “end of year” always has it’s own problems. You miss people you lost and don’t have with you anymore over the so called “festive season”. This time is marked by suicides, many of them young people.  Depression after losing your job or business in this year. Bad thing about being depressed… it is not very acceptable or fashionable to even just mention that you are depressed or have an intense desire to end your life. You just don’t do that.

I think I said enough for now. Don’t know if I made any sense at all… but that’s it for now.

Saro (Elmarie)